Amateurs and Professionals are warned that this play is copyrighted ©1985, 1999 by John Mucci and Richard Felnagle. This play may not be performed without its accompanying music. For licensing performance rights and musical materials, contact the authors.

RUSSEL's BACK YARD

a cycle of musical plays for Community Theatre

by John Mucci & Richard Felnagle

Russel and The Crystal Ball

CAST:

Russel Kunkle: A twelve year old boy.
*Mrs. Kunkle (Helen): His mother.
Pauline Shishninski: The only girl he knows enough to talk to.
Casey Hollenstein: A bully whom he admires anyhow.
Jamal LeMage: His best friend.

In this play:

Russel's Father: An insurance agent who always manages to look like one.
Barbara Kunkle: Russel's older sister, with teenage problems of her own. She gets along well with Russel—on a strictly provisional basis.
* Madam Mumm, a mysterious Gypsy fortune teller, who, despite her resemblance to Bela Lugosi's grandmother, seems to be a character taken from what musical comedy thinks of as being a mysterious Gypsy fortune teller.
Dudley: Her servant; an insecure but sensitive young man, who wears very thick glasses that are nearly opaque.
Russel's Double (mute): dressed like Russel, but wears a black stocking-mask

*(should be played by the same actor)

Flexible number of supporting characters, including kids at Russel's school, and young people who we will discover inhabit the world of the Crystal Ball.

Musical numbers:

  1. Overture (Russel's Song)
  2. Nightmare music
  3. Interlude: Walk to School
  4. Walkoff music Sc. 3
  5. Russel's Song
  6. Trio
  7. Scene 4 Underscore
  8. End of Act One

  9. Open Act 2
  10. Facing the Music
  11. A Lugubrious Salutation
  12. Crystal Fight
  13. Everyone
  14. Walk-off music
  15. Exits/Bows

PROLOGUE

(RUSSEL's back yard consists of a number of multi-leveled sets, only as elaborate as the resources of the theatre will allow, enhanced by props. There is a large tree in the center, with RUSSEL's treehouse built onto some lower branches. This play finds RUSSEL's old, rusty broken-down bicycle at the base of the tree.)

  1. MUSIC IN: "Russel's Song (Introduction)"

Jim Schroeder from the original cast of "Russel's Back Yard" (1972)
Walt Seng, photo

RUSSEL
PART OF THE WORLD IS REAL,
PART OF THE WORLD I CAN FEEL.
BUT PART OF THE WORLD I CAN STEAL
FROM BOOKS I HAVE READ
DREAMS IN MY BED
BLOOD I HAVE BLED.
'CAUSE PART OF THE WORLD IS IN MY HEAD.

I CAN BELIEVE
ANYTHING I WANT TO!
IF I SAY IT'S SO, THEN IT'S SO!
THE WORLD CAN BE ANYTHING I WANT IT TO BE,
AND IF I SAY IT'S SO, THEN IT'S SO.
[recording ends]

(LIGHTS pick out RUSSEL'S friends, who enter one by one, as HE sings in recitative:)

THIS PERSON WHOM I ADMIRE VERY MUCH, BUT LIKES TO BEAT ME UP A LOT IS CASEY HOLLENSTEIN.

PAULINE SHISHNINSKI IS HIS GIRLFRIEND, AND I WOULD DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING IF SHE WERE MINE.

AND THIS IS JAMAL LEMAGE, WHO IS THE BEST FRIEND YOU COULD EVER FIND.

JAMAL, CASEY, and PAULINE:
WE HANG OUT IN RUSSEL'S BACKYARD IF FOR NO OTHER GOOD REASON THAN WE GOTTA KEEP HIM IN LINE.
RUSSEL:
WE'RE GLAD THAT YOU ALL STOPPED BY. WHY?

ALL FOUR:
WE CAN BELIEVE
ANYTHING WE WANT TO
IF WE SAY IT'S SO, THEN IT'S SO!

RUSSEL:

COME ALONG WITH ME
AND SHARE MY DESTINY:
WE'LL SEE WHAT WE WANT TO SEE.

ALL FOUR:
AND IF WE SAY IT'S SO. . .
ANYTHING WE KNOW.
ANYWHERE WE GO,
BE IT HIGH OR LOW. . .
IF WE SAY IT'S SO, THEN IT'S SO!
IT'S SO. . .!

BLACKOUT.

ACT ONE

  • MUSIC IN: "Nightmare Music"

    (At rise, restless MUSIC begins, and LIGHTS come up dimly on a corner of the stage, giving the impression of a young boy's bedroom, with posters of the ususal stuff boys like, including a bicycle racer on an expensive racing bicycle. Pages from magazines are taped to the wall behind his dresser. In addition, a garish poster, an advertisement reading: HARLEY-FELLINI. THE BEST BICYCLE EVER MADE.

    RUSSEL (as we shall see, actually RUSSEL'S DOUBLE), is asleep in his bed. The room is average-messy for an eleven-year old boy, with legos and erector-set pieces scattered about, but there are an abnormally large number of books is in evidence. RUSSEL moves uneasily in his sleep.

    MIXED WITH THE MUSIC is the SOUND of a large crowd applauding. [If the theatre has multimedia capacities, screens should depict various exciting angles from the Tour de France or a similar race.]

    The real actor playing RUSSEL, riding on a Harley-Fellini bicycle, enters, slams on the brakes, dismounts and tears off his helmet. A CROWD of rather faceless people, some wearing white clown masks or stocking masks rush in, cheering. The only faces we will recognize are RUSSEL's parents and his friends PAULINE, JAMAL, AND CASEY, and they too can be wearing masks—of themselves.

    RUSSEL's FATHER rushes up to him. MR. KUNKLE is in his forties; his hair line is receding as his paunch is advancing.)

    MR. KUNKLE:
    You did it, son! You won the race!

    RUSSEL:
    I couldn't have done it without you, Dad. Thanks for gettin' me this Harley-Fellini! It really is "The Finest Bicycle Made:" just like the poster says!

    (PAULINE and JAMAL approach. THEY are both nearly Russel's age. PAULINE is a few months older, but SHE seems much more mature. SHE has wavy blonde hair, and to Russel, she is as beautiful as a goddess. JAMAL is a few months younger than Russel; HE is husky, wears glasses, and always looks like an unmade bed. Paper confetti falls into the scene. JAMAL and PAULINE are applauding madly.)

    PAULINE [in rapturous admiration]:
    Russel, you're a hero!

    (The SOUND of the applause swells, becomes more of a pounding. RUSSEL's MOTHER, who is dressed as a nurse, starts to pound on the floor with her foot. THE OTHERS all look at her oddly.)

    RUSSEL:
    What's that noise?

    (HELEN KUNKLE, Russel's mother, is actually pounding on the door. SHE is in her early forties, dressed for work in a white nurse's uniform. SHE has a tired face, and SHE carries herself as if SHE is always under a heavy burden of some sort. )

    HELEN:
    Time for school, Russel! Wake up!

    (THE CROWD look around in horror and dash off in every direction, taking bicycles and props with them, leaving RUSSEL to dive under the covers and then sit up, his eyes open a little too wide. HELEN crosses downstage to the KITCHEN. )

    RUSSEL:
    Okay, Mom! I'm up!

    (HE jumps out of bed, crosses to the dresser, and pulls open the top drawer, but then his eyes lift up to one of the photographs on the wall. )... And next Saturday, you're gonna be mine, all mine!

    Scene 2

    (LIGHTS crossfade as RUSSEL gets ready for school. LIGHTS UP on BARBARA KUNKLE, Russel's older sister, setting the table for breakfast, downstage, as HELEN comes in. BARBARA is about fourteen years old and dressed for school. )

    HELEN:
    What time did your father bring Russel home last night?

    BARBARA:
    About ten o'clock.

    HELEN:
    [muttering to herself]: Ten o'clock on a school night! No wonder the kid can't get up.

    BARBARA:
    Mom, did you know Dad's gonna get Russel that fancy new bike he wants?

    HELEN:
    No. Not the Henry-Falutti...

    BARBARA:
    Russel said some guy at Daddy's office got him a deal.

    HELEN:
    But we need new tires for the car, and you're due for a trip to the dentist! Just because your father and I are separated doesn't mean he can forget about his responsibilities around here!

    (RUSSEL bursts into the kitchen. HE is dressed for school and talking a mile a minute. HE gives his mother a kiss on the cheek. HE grabs a banana and drinks some milk. )

    RUSSEL:
    Morning, Mom. Morning, Barbie.

    BARBARA:
    That's Bar-bbra, thank you, little one.

    RUSSEL:
    What's for breakfast? Scrambled eggs? We have any more of that raisin bread? Did you eat the last of the Trix?

    HELEN
    [a pause; then:] Barbara, you finish up the eggs for me. I have a phone call to make. [a beat] Raisin bread's in the cheese drawer.

    (RUSSEL grabs a cereal box and opens it, trying not to rip the recloseable top, which of course rips. He starts to look for the prize inside.)

    RUSSEL [softly]:
    Isn't it great about that bike? The Finest Bike—

    BARBARA:
    Yeah, but I don't think you better tell anybody else yet.

    RUSSEL:
    Oh, no. Dad made me promise not to tell anyone but you.

    BARBARA:
    Isn't Mom supposed to know?

    RUSSEL:
    No. He said he wanted to tell her himself.

    BARBARA [realizing her mistake]:
    Uh-huh. Say, I hear my bus. Don't make a mess. Wipe up.

    RUSSEL:
    You didn't tell her, did you?

    BARBARA [chicken]:
    No, of course not. Why would I do a thing like that? Dishes in the washer are clean.

    (SHE grabs the box, and cereal flies out all over. RUSSEL retrieves the plastic prize anyhow. LIGHTS crossfade to HELEN, on the phone, downstage L.)

    Scene 3

    HELEN [loud, into the phone]:

    No, I already tried his apartment. Please tell him to call his wife the minute he gets in. [a beat] Tell him he forgot to tell me something!

    (SHE slams down the phone in disgust, sighs wearily, and then walks out of the Light, presumably going back to the kitchen. LIGHTS Crossfade to a spot center stage, where RUSSEL is walking to school with JAMAL.)

  • MUSIC IN: "Interlude #1"

    (THEY both carry books and other academic paraphernalia. MUSIC UNDER.)

    RUSSEL:
    What j'you write your social studies report on?

    JAMAL:
    Lichtenstein.

    RUSSEL:
    Lichtenstein? Geeze, Jamal: why Lichtenstein?

    JAMAL:
    Well, it's a small country. I figured I wouldn't have to write a lot. What'd you pick?

    RUSSEL:
    I wrote on the gypsies. I got really interested in all that stuff about telling fortunes and reading palms and...

    JAMAL:
    Could you read mine?

    MUSIC OUT.

    RUSSEL:
    Maybe. Let's see. [looking at JAMAL's palm]. Wow! Look at that lifeline! It's huge!

    JAMAL:
    That one?—I think that's chocolate. [rubs his hand on his pants. Inspects it closely again. RUSSEL nods. Disappointedly:] Yeah.

    (Before RUSSEL can finish his sentence, THEY both hear the voice of CASEY HOLLENSTEIN calling from behind them. )

    CASEY:
    Hey, Kunkle!

    RUSSEL:
    Oh, no. Not Hollenstein!

    JAMAL:
    Yeech. Casey's enough to make anyone's lifeline shrink. He wants to show off his new bike. [CASEY rides on, and jumps off his bike—kind of wobbly.]

    RUSSEL [to Casey]:
    Another new bike? What happened to the one you got last Christmas?

    CASEY:
    This one's for racing. We're gonna give that "old" one to the poor. Which reminds me, Kunkle, what's your address again?

    JAMAL:
    Very funny, Richie Rich!

    (HE looks furious. HIS eyes follow CASEY, as he gets back on his bike. )

    CASEY
    See you at school! Have a nice walk! Ar, ar, ar. (CASEY rides off, away down the road on his bike. HE isn't very good at it. At the corner he wobbles a lot to stop.)

    JAMAL, [turning to RUSSEL:]
    Rrr, I hate him! He thinks he's so...

    (RUSSEL turns to JAMAL, amused. JAMAL looks at him curiously. )

    JAMAL:
    What are you smiling about?

    RUSSEL [affably]:
    Him. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

    JAMAL:
    What?

    RUSSEL:
    That isn't a racing bike. The wheel base is too long, the angle of the seat tube isn't steep enough, and it's got the wrong kind of handlebars.

    JAMAL [amazed]:
    I didn't know you knew so much about bikes.

    RUSSEL [not wanting to give anything away]:
    Well... it's sort of a hobby.

    (RUSSEL's expression changes. JAMAL turns to look. CASEY, stopped at the corner still, is showing off his new bike to PAULINE, who looks very impressed. )

    JAMAL:
    His bike may be junk, but Pauline sure looks impressed.

    RUSSEL [jealously—half to himself]:
    Yeah, well you just wait 'til next Saturday... [remembers he's not supposed to talk about it]...Oh, maybe I shouldn't have said that.

    JAMAL:
    What about next Saturday?

    RUSSEL:
    Well... Promise me you won't tell anyone?

    JAMAL:
    I promise. JAMAL puts both hands over his mouth.

    RUSSEL:
    Next Saturday, my Dad's getting me a bike that's ten times as good as that piece of junk Casey's got!

    (JAMAL looks as though he'd pop like a balloon. His hands practically explode away from his face. RUSSEL starts to walk on, out of the LIGHT.)

    JAMAL:
    Really? Well, what's it called? How much does it cost?

    (THEY walk on towards school. THEIR VOICES FADE.)

  • MUSIC IN: "Interlude #2"

    Scene 4

    (It is the afternoon of the same day. MR. KUNKLE is sitting on a school yard bench, trying to read the paper. His coat is off, his tie is loosened, and his sleeves are rolled up. HE looks at his watch. HE does not look happy. Several children pass by, exiting from the school. After a moment, CASEY rides by, totteringly, and falls off his bike. HE gets back on with a wry smile to Mr KUNKLE and totters off. In a moment, RUSSEL crosses, and MR KUNKLE puts the paper down, anxiously.)

    MR. KUNKLE:
    Hi, Russ. How's it doing.

    RUSSEL:
    Hi, Pop. Uh—what's going on? You look terrible.

    MR. KUNKLE:
    I have some bad news. About your bike... I promised you that Henley Belloni—

    RUSSEL [sits on the bench]
    Harley Fellini.

    MR. KUNKLE:
    The finest bike. I know. ...aw, the only way to say something bad is to say it. I'm afraid I can't do it. I can't get it for you.

    RUSSEL [a beat: then furious]
    What!!

    MR. KUNKLE:
    There's just too many other things that need to be bought. Mom needs some car parts. Your sister's gotta go to the dentist...

    RUSSEL:
    For all I care, her dumb teeth can all explode!

    MR. KUNKLE:
    Now, Russel! Listen! I know it sounds stupid to you...

    RUSSEL [getting off the bench]
    I'm sure you can explain it.

    MR. KUNKLE:

    Come on. Let's walk home.

    (THEY walk toward the center of the stage, where the LIGHTS come up on the treehouse in Russ' back yard.)

     

    RUSSEL:
    No. I gotta go somewhere. Thanks a lot. (MR KUNKLE reaches in his pocket and takes something out of it. )

    MR. KUNKLE:
    Wait a minute, Russ.

    (The TWO continue. MR KUNKLE is carrying an old leather pouch.)

    MR. KUNKLE:
    Look, I can't get you the bicycle, but... [hands Russel the odd-looking leather bag] I want you to have these anyway.

    RUSSEL
    What is it.

    (RUSSEL opens the bag and looks at the contents. Some colorful marbles spill out into his hands. He drops one on the ground. MR KUNKLE stoops to pick up the lost marble.)

    MR. KUNKLE:
    They were mine when I was your age.

    RUSSEL [not thrillled]:
    It's a bag of marbles.

    MR. KUNKLE:
    We used to have tournaments with them -- every kid in school would compete, and one year I was champ of the whole neighborhood!

    RUSSEL [one last try]:
    Okay, you got to be the champ of your neighborhood. All I'm asking is the same chance! I need that bike, Dad! Please, you promised!

    ( HELEN KUNKLE, unseen by father or son, emerges from the wings, carrying groceries.)

    MR. KUNKLE:
    I'm sorry, Russ—I can't! If it were just up to me of course I would. But right now... [stops; looking for the right way to say this] ...your mother and I had... a little breakdown in communication.

    RUSSEL [trying to hurt]:
    That wouldn't happen if you still lived with us!

    HELEN [calmly]:
    Russel. That's enough.

    (RUSSEL takes off, with the bag of marbles, heading into the back yard. HELEN and MR KUNKLE walk R, as though toward the house. RUSSEL kicks over his rusty old bike.)

    HELEN [to her husband; not so calmly]:
    Thanks a lot! I always get to play the bad guy. I needed this right now—on top of everything else!

    ( THEY are practically storming off.)

    MR. KUNKLE:
    Hey, come on, will you listen, please?

    HELEN:
    I've listened. For fifteen years I've listened...

    The SOUND of a door slamming, as THEY are gone. The BUZZ of angry voices, off, with verbal punctuation on words such as "bicycle" and "responsibility," and "kid."

    RUSSEL is center stage, with his hands over his ears, and he is practically weeping. The bag of marbles falls to the ground, and some spill out. One very large, clear marble emerges from the bag. Silence. RUSSEL stares at the large marble.)

    RUSSEL:
    What's that? Gee... It's just like a little crystal ball. If I were a gypsy, I could use this to see into the future.  
  • MUSIC IN: "Russel's Song"

  • Jim Schroeder and Marie Paolicelli from the original cast of "Russel's Back Yard" (1972)
    Walt Seng, photo
    RUSSEL:
    Oh, man! I wish I knew what's gonna happen! [looking at the marble in his hand] I wish this were a crystal ball!  

    [HE SINGS:]

    I CAN BELIEVE
    ANYTHING I WANT TO!
    IF I SAY IT'S SO, THEN IT'S SO!
    THE WORLD CAN BE ANYTHING I WANT IT TO BE!
    'CAUSE IF I SAY IT'S SO, THEN IT'S SO!

    [recitative] I BELIEVE THIS STRANGE AND UNCOMMON CRYSTAL BALL ONCE BELONGED TO A GYPSY FORTUNE-TELLER!

    AND IN THIS CRYSTAL BALL, SHE COULD SEE THE FUTURE UNTIL SOMETHING TERRIBLE BEFELL HER!

    I BELIEVE THAT TO THIS VERY DAY SHE IS STILL LOOKING FOR THIS MAGIC CRYSTAL BALL FROM THE ATTIC TO THE CELLAR!

    WHAT THIS STORY NEEDS IS FOR SOME CLEVER FELLOW TO TAKE THIS CRYSTAL BALL AND BECOME A FUTURE-TELLER-YELLER!

    AND WHO COULD THIS PERSON BE?
    ME!

    [During the last lines of the song, a strange and shadowy figure has stepped up behind RUSSEL, who is too busy singing to notice.]

    I CAN BELIEVE ANYTHING I WANT TO!
    IF I SAY IT'S SO, THEN IT'S SO!
    THE WORLD CAN BE ANYTHING I WANT IT TO BE
    'CAUSE IF I SAY IT'S SO, THEN IT'S... WHOA!!

    (Now the mysterious person throws her arms around RUSSEL from behind, as if to capture him. Although she is wearing a shawl over her face, it falls as she reaches for RUSSEL, reveal the satanic face of MADAM MUMM [played by the same actor as HELEN]. But despite this, SHE is an ancient, age-less crone with long, stringy black hair, dangling earrings and gold neck chains, and a colorful patchwork shawl. HER accent suggests she is something akin to Bela Lugosi's grandma. MUSIC UNDER.)

    MADAM MUMM:
    It's mine! Give it to me!

    RUSSEL [struggling]:
    Let go! Lemme alone!

    (RUSSEL pulls away but then crashes into the equally strange figure of DUDLEY: a little man about Russel's height in a bowler hat, a dark peasant shirt, a patchwork vest similar to Madam Mumm's shawl, long pants, and no shoes. HE wears a pair of glasses so thick that his eyes cannot be seen through the lenses. As a consequence, HE is forever knocking things over, including himself.)

    DUDLEY
    Oof!

    MADAM MUMM:
    Stop him!

    DUDLEY
    Yes, Madam Mumm!

    (DUDLEY lunges as if to grab the fleeing RUSSEL, but because DUDLEY is so blind, HE misses completely and falls face-down on the ground. MADAM MUMM is also lunging in Russel's direction, but SHE trips over the spilled marbles on the ground, and falls over DUDLEY, onto her butt.)

    MUSIC OUT. (MADAM MUMM and DUDLEY are sprawled on the ground.)

    MADAM MUMM:
    [to Dudley] You clumsy oaf! Now we'll never get it back!

    (DUDLEY raises his head. HE is not wearing the glasses he had on a moment ago. His eyes remain firmly shut, as if he were afraid to open them. )

    DUDLEY
    My glasses! Where are they! Help!

    MADAM MUMM:
    Calm down! Stop screaming!

    (While MADAM MUMM is extricating herself from DUDLEY's awkwardness, RUSSEL takes a moment to put the crystal ball back into the pouch and hide it in a hollow of the tree. Then HE steps over toward DUDLEY. DUDLEY is searching frantically for his glasses. They are in plain sight and within his reach, but HE is tapping around him everywhere the glasses aren't. RUSSEL picks up the glasses, looks through them, winces, andthen places them into DUDLEY's hands. DUDLEY, quickly places the glasses over his eyes. A look of intense relief instantly covers his face.)

    RUSSEL:
    Your eyes must be really weak. I put them on and I couldn't see a thing.

    DUDLEY
    There's nothing wrong with my eyes. I wear them so I can't see anything!

    RUSSEL:
    I don't understand.

    MADAM MUMM:
    Never mind that now. [as though trumpeting]: I am Madam Mumm, the famous Gypsy Fortune Teller! [as though kazooing]: and this is my servant, Dudley.

    RUSSEL:
    Why did you try to grab me just now?

    MADAM MUMM:
    Uh...that was a little mistake. Shall we say, a boo-boo...? Let's start all over.

    RUSSEL [still suspicious]:
    Well...all right. My name is...

    MADAM MUMM [her hand up to stop him]:
    No! Let me tell you! [concentrates on his face] ...Steve!

    RUSSEL [correcting her]:
    Russel.

    MADAM MUMM:
    Sure? You look kinda Steve-y. [SHE shrugs, then guesses the last name] ...Smith!

    RUSSEL [correcting her again]:
    No. Kunkle.

    MADAM MUMM:
    [chagrined, explaining]
    I'm better when I have something to hold in my hands. You got any cards?

    RUSSEL [brandishing one]:
    Baseball or football?

    MADAM MUMM:
    Ehhn, I'm sick of these Miami Dolphins. [feel free to ad lib a local or recent national sports gaffe or triumph here] Then I will read your palm! MADAM MUMM grabs Russel's hand.

    RUSSEL:
    Hey!

    MADAM MUMM [reading his palm]:
    Hmmm...You are very intelligent for only nine years of age...

    RUSSEL [correcting her] :
    Twelve.

    (RUSSEL and MADAM MUMM both peer closely into HIS palm.)

    MADAM MUMM [looking more closely]:
    Oh, is that a twelve? Ach, grape-jelly. [she rubs his hand. Then, looking up] I'm used to bigger hands.

    RUSSEL [taking his hand back]:
    Give it up, lady! You're a fake! (MADAM MUMM gasps as if she has just been stabbed with a knife.)

    DUDLEY
    Madam Mumm is no fake! She has great powers! She helps people!

    (DUDLEY suddenly trips and falls. MADAM MUMM drops on her knees.)

    MADAM MUMM:
    You don't understand! I am an artist— give me back my crystal ball! Russel, reading palms and cards and tea leaves—this is for amateurs! Let me show you what I can do. Russel, Just lend me the crystal ball for a moment. Surely, there is something in your future you would like to know about...?

    (RUSSEL's face shows that her last question has struck a chord, but HE decides to play it coy. HE looks toward the house...)

    RUSSEL:
    Well...okay.

    (RUSSEL surreptitiously takes the bag from the hollow in the tree, and dramatically produces the crystal ball. MADAM MUMM lights up immediately at the sight.)

    MADAM MUMM:
    [reaching out] Oh, little darling! Come to Momma!

    RUSSEL:
    [pulling the ball away from her] Hey, now! No funny stuff!

    MADAM MUMM:
    [raising her left hand] Honest! Sit down on the ground next to me and put your hands on the ball.

    (RUSSEL sits facing MADAM MUMM on the ground. HE places the crystal on the ground between them.)

    MADAM MUMM:
    Very good. Now watch closely.

    (LIGHTS change to something more ominous as a parody of Russel's Dream plays out, with the CROWD coming onstage again, their faces concealed with stocking-masks, looking for all the world like automatons of RUSSEL's friends and family.

    CASEY rides across the stage, gliding through the finish line; the CROWD silently cheers; then RUSSEL—or rather, his double again— lumbers in on his old rusty bike, which falls apart on the spot. HELEN and MR KUNKLE immediately approach him and start to argue furiously, silently, then cackling the word "bicycle" "bicycle" over and over, as the CROWD laughs and laughs, pointing at RUSSEL. Finally the double RUSSEL points at the real one, and the LIGHTS crossfade to the scene again.)

    RUSSEL
    What does it mean?

    (Suddenly RUSSEL turns to the SOUND of JAMAL's VOICE.)

    Scene 5

    JAMAL:
    (off)
    Hey, Russ! Whatcha doing?  

    (MADAM MUMM and DUDLEY sneak around the tree, and are suddenly gone, as RUSSEL, alone, is seated on the ground; he puts the crystal ball back into the pouch. JAMAL enters. HE is wearing a partial baseball uniform and carrying a glove.)

    RUSSEL:
    [pocketing the pouch] Nothing.

    JAMAL:
    Aren't you going to practice?

    RUSSEL:
    No.

    JAMAL:
    What's the matter?

    RUSSEL:
    [standing] My Dad just told me... and I just found out I'm not...

    (RUSSEL is interrupted by the arrival of PAULINE SHISHNINSKI from around the same corner of the house. Like JAMAL, SHE too is dressed in a makeshift baseball uniform.)

    PAULINE:
    Hey, you guys! Here comes Casey on that new bike of his! You guys seen it yet?

    RUSSEL
    [instantly hostile]: Oh. no.

    JAMAL:
    [swaggering a bit; to Pauline] So, you think Casey's bike is pretty good, hunh?

    PAULINE:
    Of course! Best in this neighborhood!

    JAMAL:
    Well, you won't think so on Saturday!

    (RUSSEL makes the gesture of both hands over his mouth, as did JAMAL, before.)

    RUSSEL:
    [cautioning him] Jamal!

    PAULINE:
    [to JAMAL] You know someone who's got a better bike?

    (CASEY HOLLENSTEIN enters the yard now. HE too is dressed for baseball, but his uniform is complete and looks as though it just came from the dry cleaners. HE jumps off the bike in question which clatters to the ground in a heap, and HE then picks it up and walks it towards the OTHERS. HE pulls a chamois cloth out of his back pocket and begins wiping down the two rear-view mirrors with sticker-reflector on the backs that are in the shape of cowboys).

    CASEY:
    [butting right in, too eagerly] There isn't a better bike! It's got monogrammed chain-guards, extra-long levers on the brakes, phosphorescent handlebar tape, and four-color reflectors! It's the best there is!

    RUSSEL [simply: not snooty]
    Oh no, it isn't. Chain and Crank Magazine called your Moshewadda Turbo the rip-off bike of the year! The Harley-Fellini is the finest bike made! [quickly] It has a double-butted frame made of 41/30 chromium/molybdenum tubing, sidepull brakes, a cotterless crank, genuine leather saddle, and uses Swiss-patented derailleurs. It won every award there is at the Brussels Design Show for the last three years! It weighs at least ten pounds less than yours, that's without the decals, and...

    (RUSSEL shuts up, realizing he's said too much. CASEY fumes. He'd hold his hands over his bike's ears if he could find them. HE looks down at his bike, suddenly having doubts about it now. There is an uncomfortable pause.)

    CASEY:
    You sound like you know a lot about bikes.

    RUSSEL:
    [boldly again] I do. That's because I read.

    CASEY:
    Well, I don't have time for that. All I know is that my bike's beautiful and expensive and nobody around here ever heard of your... Homely-Spaghettis!

    JAMAL:
    Well, they will! Russel's Dad is gettin' him one next Saturday!

    RUSSEL:
    [horrified] Jamal!

    PAULINE:
    Russel! Why didn't you tell me?

    RUSSEL:
    Pauline...

    CASEY:
    You're lying! You're making this up because you're jealous of my new bike!

    RUSSEL [again, simply: but getting mad]:
    I'm not jealous of any second-rate bike!

    CASEY:
    [calling his bluff] Okay. Your Dad said he's getting you one of these Holyoke-Whatsits things next Saturday?

    (RUSSEL is obviously in crisis as to what to say...)  

    CASEY:
    Well? Did he say it or not?

    RUSSEL:
    Yeah, those words did come out of his mouth ...but...

    CASEY:
    (smelling blood) All right, Kunkle. I hope you're telling the truth—because I'm gonna tell everyone in school!

    RUSSEL:
    But...!

    CASEY:
    [moving his bike to leave] And next Saturday, we'll just see who's got the better bike—you or me! [shoves off] See ya later, liar! Chromium/molybidum seat covers, hhnh! Ar, ar, ar. (CASEY exits, wobbly still.)

    JAMAL:
    Oh, man! Is he gonna be sorry! [turns to Russel] I gotta get to practice. See you later, Russ.

    PAULINE:
    [starting to follow JAMAL] Aren't you coming to practice, Russ?

    RUSSEL:
    No, I... I gotta finish some stuff here.

    PAULINE:
    I'll call you tonight, Russel—I want to hear more about that new bike!

    RUSSEL:
    [transformed] Really? You're gonna call me? I'll be waiting! Good-bye, Pauline!

    (THEY leave, very impressed. RUSSEL would rather follow them, but HE is alone. Suddenly a look of horror comes over Russel's face.)

  • MUSIC IN: "Trio"


  • Marie Paolicelli from the original cast of "Russel's Back Yard" (1972)
    Walt Seng, photo
    RUSSEL:
    Oh, no!

    (SOUND: Mocking laughter, perhaps with an ECHO effect, as in the crystal ball vision.)

    Now I understand!

    (RUSSEL approaches his horrible, rusty bike. HE kicks at it again. )

    What they showed me... is my future! Mom will find out I told everybody I'm getting the new bike, and they'll have a big fight, and they're gonna get divorced for sure, now!

    Scene 6

    (MADAM MUMM steps from behind the tree, next to RUSSEL, who does not acknowledge her arrival just as if she'd been there all along. )

    MADAM MUMM:
    Call them back—there's still time! Tell them the truth!

    RUSSEL:
    Yes! [his expression changes] No! Pauline will laugh at me, now! I can't!

    (DUDLEY appears on the opposite side of RUSSEL.)

    DUDLEY:
    Help him, Madan Mumm! I know you can!

    RUSSEL [singing]
    MADAM MUMM, THIS IS ROTTEN:
    LAST NIGHT, WHEN I GOT IN,
    I WAS SO HAPPY
    I WAS NUMB.
    BUT NOW I HAVE TO SAY
    THAT I DON'T CARE FOR TODAY,
    AND I DON'T WANT TOMORROW TO COME.

    MADAM MUMM:
    [singing] YOUR ACT IS WEAK AND GETTING WEAKER.
    YOU NEED MY SPECIAL POWER.

    RUSSEL
    MY LIFE IS GETTING BLEAKER
    BY THE HOUR.

    MADAM MUMM
    YOU NEED ME. HOW YOU NEED ME!
    I HEAR YOU BELLOW.
    WHAT FORTUNE, FINDING SUCH AN UNFORTUNATE FELLOW.

    RUSSEL
    TELL ME WHERE I'M WRONG, MADAM MUMM.
    WHERE AM I WRONG? WHERE AM I WRONG?

    MADAM MUMM [overlapping]:
    I'VE HEARD THIS SONG,
    I'VE HEARD THIS SONG,
    I'VE HEARD THIS SONG BEFORE—
    SUCH A SAD ONE, AND HOW!
    YOU CAN GET OUT OF THIS IF YOU LISTEN NOW.
    YOU'LL DO FINE BY ME.
    I'VE GOT A PLAN, MY BOY,
    SUCH A GOOD ONE, AND HOW!
    I CAN CUT YOU A BREAK IF YOU'LL TAKE IT NOW!
    I'VE GOT THE KEY
    IF YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME,
    HOW YOU NEED ME.
    HOW YOU NEED ME!

    DUDLEY [singing]
    TRUST HER, RUSSEL.

    RUSSEL
    WHAT DOES SHE MEAN?

    DUDLEY
    YOU CAN TRUST HER, RUSS:
    WHAT SHE SAYS IS TRUE.
    SHE CAN MAKE A NEW FUTURE THAT'S
    RIGHT FOR YOU.

    RUSSEL
    SHE CAN MAKE ME A FUTURE?
    WHAT, LIKE MODELING CLAY?

    DUDLEY [spoken]
    Yes!

    MADAM MUMM [spoken]
    It's child's play!

    DUDLEY [singing]
    JUST TALK TO THE GREAT MANY PEOPLE SHE'S SAVED!

    RUSSEL [spoken]
    Like who?

    DUDLEY [spoken]
    Well...

    MADAM MUMM [spoken]
    There's dozens.

    RUSSEL [spoken]
    Like who?

    MADAM MUMM: [singing]
    UNCLES AND COUSINS!

    DUDLEY [singing]
    DON'T WORRY.

    RUSSEL [spoken]
    Where are they?
    [sung] WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

    DUDLEY [singing]
    ENJOYING THE FUTURES THAT MADAM MUMM
    MADE FOR THEM!
    YOU CAN TRUST HER, RUSS:
    SHE HAS NEVER MISSED.

    (Holding up a little black book)

    LOOK, IN THIS BOOK IS HER MASTER LIST
    OF SATISFIED CLIENTS.
    SHE'S GOT IT DOWN TO A SCIENCE.

    RUSSEL
    I DON'T KNOW...

    MADAM MUMM:
    YOU DON'T KNOW
    WHERE TO GO!
    HOW CAN YOU FACE
    SUCH A WORLD OF DISGRACE?
    IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE
    YOU'LL SEE TIME SLIP AWAY.
    JUST AS QUICK AS A CAT IT IS SATURDAY!
    THEN WHERE WILL YOU BE
    WHEN THEY ALL COME TO SEE
    YOUR BEAUTIFUL, CUSTOM-MADE, GENUINE,
    SHINY- NEW
    CHROMIUM, LEATHER SEAT ...NOTHING!
    OH, NOTHING!

    DUDLEY [overlapping]
    TRUST HER! ... SHE'S RIGHT!

    MADAM MUMM:
    HOW YOU NEED ME.
    HOW YOU NEED ME,
    YOU NEED ME,
    YOU NEED ME.

    DUDLEY:
    TRUST HER!

    RUSSEL:
    ...THIS ISN'T EASY FOR ME!

    DUDLEY:
    YES IT IS... YES IT IS!

    RUSSEL:
    HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
    TO BE PROMISED A BIKE
    WITH MOLYBDENUM LUGS,
    AND THEN HAVE THE RUGS
    PULLED AWAY?

    DUDLEY AND MADAM MUMM:
    HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE MILES AWAY
    ON SATURDAY?

    RUSSEL:
    OKAY,
    OKAY! MY ANSWER, OF COURSE, IS...

    MADAM MUMM:
    HOLD YOUR HORSES!
    WHEN YOU BARGAIN FOR SOMETHING THIS NICE,
    THERE'S A PRICE.
    I CAN WIPE WORRY AWAY,
    BUT YOU'LL PAY, LEETLE BOY.

    MADAM MUMM:
    I'VE GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU.
    HOW YOU NEED ME, IT'S TRUE.
    I'VE HELPED OTHER BOYS MUCH WORSE OFF THAN YOU!

    Don't read!

    Not here! Don't Bleed!

    IT'S LIKE DREAMS IN YOUR BED...

    YOU'VE HEARD WHAT I'VE SAID
    AND I TELL YOU THE DEAL ISN'T MADE
    I'VE GOT A TRADE IN MIND...
    SOMETHING SO SMALL—

    RUSSEL:
    PART OF THE WORLD IS REAL.
    PART OF IT I CAN FEEL.
    BUT PART OF THE WORLD I CAN STEAL.
    FROM BOOKS I HAVE READ...

    BLOOD I HAVE BLED ...

    DREAMS IN MY BED:

    ALL IN MY HEAD.

    ...yet.

    WHAT HAVE I GOT YOU'D LIKE?

    uh-oh...

    DUDLEY:
    TRUST HER, RUSSEL!
    NONE OF HER
    CLIENTS HAS EVER COMPLAINED TO HER.

    IT'S LIKE SLEEPING.

    IT'S AN EFFORTLESS THING TO DO.

    IT'S LIKE DREAMS IN YOUR BED.

    YOU'LL FIND THAT IT'S EASY.

    ..and cheap!

    MADAM MUMM:
    IT'S NOTHING AT ALL.
    LEETLE BOY, TRADE ME YOUR CRYSTAL BALL!
    AND YOU SHALL BE SERVED
    ALL YOU HAVE DESERVED.

    MADAM MUMM:
    IT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO
    THE BEAUTIFUL STATE
    THAT IS WAITING FOR YOU!
    RUSSEL:
    THIS IS MY BIG OPPORTUNITY
    WHAT AM I
    WAITING FOR?

    DUDLEY:
    DON'T BE
    LATE
    IT'S WAITING FOR YOU!

    MADAM MUMM:
    ALL YOU'VE DREAMED ABOUT,
    YELLED ABOUT, SCREAMED ABOUT
    WAITS FOR YOU, NOW'S THE TIME,
    NEVER TAKE LESS—
    (together)
    TELL ME YES!

    DUDLEY:
    DON'T LET THIS PASS:
    (together)
    SAY YES!

    RUSSEL:
    (together)
    I SAY YES!

    (THEY end up posed something like the Three Musketeers.)

    Scene 6

    MADAM MUMM:
    Russel, the deal is this. I will make you a future just as you dreamed it. The price? The crystal ball. If you don't like what you see? The deal is off. Okay?

    (MUSIC IN and UNDER. RUSSEL rather guility takes out the crystal ball from the pouch and hands it over to MADAM MUMM. SHE eagerly looks into it, and it starts to glow.)

    MADAM MUMM:
    [seeing something in the ball] A bicycle! Is this the bicycle that's causing all the trouble?
    RUSSEL:
    [leaning forward] Let me see. THE STAND-IN RUSSEL wheels in the Harley Fellini from the wings, and dreamily waltzes across the stage with it. DUDLEY's hands get closer to the crystal.)

    DUDLEY
    Oh, let me see, too!

    MADAM MUMM:
    Dudley, no! Don't touch it!

    RUSSEL:
    That's it—that's the one!

    MADAM MUMM:
    [almost a whisper] And this time, Russel, it really is all yours!

    (LIGHTS crossfade to reveal RUSSEL, his DOUBLE, MADAM MUMM, and even DUDLEY, all standing beside the bicycle. RUSSEL reaches out to touch the bike—it's quite real.)

    DUDLEY:
    I told you Madam Mumm could help you!

    MADAM MUMM:
    Dudley! What are you doing here?

    (MR. KUNKLE steps in from the wings.)

    MR. KUNKLE:
    [his voice a little odd]: Better than an old bag of marbles, isn't it Russ?

    RUSSEL
    [hugging him] Dad! You got me the bike after all! But what's Mom gonna say?

    (HELEN KUNKLE now steps into the picture. DUDLEY is present also. When SHE speaks, DUDLEY reacts strangely to the SOUND of HER VOICE, as he has for MR. KUNKLE's VOICE)

    HELEN:
    Your father and I talked it over, Russ. Good behavior gets rewards.

    RUSSEL:
    You mean...?

    MR. KUNKLE:
    Yes. I'm coming home.

    RUSSEL:
    Dad!

    DUDLEY:
    But... That's not your father...

    (MADAM MUMM elbows DUDLEY out of the way.)

    MADAM MUMM:
    [trying to distract Russel] Look, Russel! There's more!

    (PAULINE steps in to admire the machine. RUSSEL'S PARENTS walk out backward.)

    PAULINE:
    [exact intonation as before, but phony:] Russel, you're a hero!

    DUDLEY:
    [starting to remember] No, your name isn't Pauline. It's...[trying to remember]

    MADAM MUMM [nervously, realizing the threat]
    Dudley, I forbid you!

    (DUDLEY moves closer to PAULINE. HE is frustrated at not being able to remember HER name.)

    DUDLEY:
    Oh! Don't you remember me?

    (PAULINE's eyes light up, just as if SHE had recognized a long-lost comrade.)

    PAULINE:
    Dudley! [calling to unseen others] Hey, you guys! Look! It's Dudley!

    RUSSEL:
    [to Dudley] How come my friends know who you are?

    DUDLEY:
    [confused again] Your friends? But these are all the people Madam Mumm...

    (DUDLEY thumbs through his little black book of names he brought out before, but MR KUNKLE, BARBARA KUNKLE, and HELEN KUNKLE crowd around DUDLEY, interrupting him ad-lib greetings.)

    MADAM MUMM:
    [trying to regain control of the situation] Well, Russel! Satisfied? Is it a deal?
    RUSSEL:
    [to MADAM MUMM] Wait a minute. What's going on here?

    (MADAM MUMM flies into a rage. SHE pushes everyone away from DUDLEY, grabbing his black book and ripping it in two.)

    MADAM MUMM:
    Dudley, you fool! You're ruining everything!

    (As SHE pulls RUSSEL away from DUDLEY, a strange VOICE is heard, weird and distorted and not quite human, coming from PAULINE's form.)

    VOICE
    What's the matter? Can't we say hello to an old friend?

    RUSSEL:
    [frozen with terror] Who... Who are you?

    (In a terrifying moment, all FOUR of the characters playing RUSSEL's family and friends become stiff, mannequin-like, and totally-unreal, as though they were puppets. THEY totter around the stage as though they had lost reason and, with grotesque faces, perhaps enhanced by makeup, we see they are not known to RUSSEL at all, but are those we will call THE CHANGELINGS. One of them, in MR KUNKLE's form, approaches RUSSEL.)

    MR KUNKLE
    [in a watery voice] Who are we, Russel? Anything you want us to be!

    MADAM MUMM:
    [spinning him around to face HER] Russel! Do we have a deal or not?

    RUSSEL:
    [in fright] No! No deal!

    (RUSSEL grabs the crystal ball out of MADAM MUMM's hands, and the CHANGELINGS flee in all directions. MADAM MUMM laughs malevolently as they all scatter, leaving RUSSEL alone on stage holding the crystal ball, glowing softly in his hands.)

    RUSSEL:
    [in a whisper] Oh, no. What have I gone and dreamed up this time?!

    (HE looks down at the crystal ball which, as the LIGHTS quickly FADE is the only illumination on his terrified face.)

    MUSIC STING: "End of Act One."

    CURTAIN

    END OF ACT ONE. To Act 2.