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"My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawed at, and I shall not only receive this villanous wrong but stand under the adoption of abominable terms and by him that does me this wrong. Terms! Names! ...the names of fiends!"
—— Shakespeare The same, next evening. The sun has just set. (AT RISE, we see that HARKER and VAN HELSING are standing on chairs, trying to tape up streamers of crêpe- paper, twisting them to give a festive effect. A paper, three-dimensional bell hangs from the chandelier; over the archway is tacked a rather staid-looking festoon of bunting. A pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey is hanging over the jars of pickled medical exhibits. There is a curious-looking banner over the fireplace which is folded over in such a way that it cannot be read yet. All the beer bottles from Act One have been cleared away, and the room seems brighter, more tidy. A Wild Turkey bottle and a few other liquor bottles stand on the low bookcase. Somehow the furniture seems more polished, the rug newer, as though we were looking at a photograph of the place ten years before the previous act. As VAN HELSING attempts to tape up an end of the crêpe paper, he drops it, and it untwists into the middle of th e room.) VAN HELSING: ...Shit. (The MAID enters with a box full of blown-up balloons.) RUTH THE MAID:(wiping HER sweating brow) Where ya want these? VAN HELSING: Put 'em up on the walls, Ruth. (The MAID starts to rub the balloons on HER head, sticking them to the walls by static electricity. But they do not last long, and SHE is constantly frustrated.) RUTH THE MAID: Sure. "Light duties and no week-ends." That's what the ad said. By "no week-ends" I guess they meant I'd never see one again. Goddam dipsoes. (VAN HELSING retrieves his end of the streamer and re-mounts the chair to stick it up: successfully.) HARKER: This should prove to be interesting. Not a drop of alcohol in her body all day yesterday. Tonight should be doubly indemnifying. VAN HELSING:(patting the Scotch tape in place) There. (HE descends, and makes a note in his notebook) Let's see: balloons... streamers... jackass... apples... that just about does it. Well, Harker! This ought to bring out the best in her. What they need is a doll-gurned swift smack in the chops, and we'll give it to them! But so skillfully that he won't know what hit him, and Lucy will be back to normal again before you can say "Cock Robin!" HARKER: But Professor... will any of this hurt Ms Lucy? VAN HELSING: Let me tell you now, Harker. We are going to have to do some unpleasant things to Ms Lucy. They will indeed be things that no ge ntleman of your station would do to a Lady; and they will not be deemed acceptable by the norm. HARKER: All right! Like what! VAN HELSING: We must probe deep into her ...mind. We must get the dæmon out from her innards, where he is sunk, fiendishly fecund in the nethermost recesses of fœtid entrails, surreptitiously seething in the slime of her bowels... (HARKER has lost interest. The MAID seems out of sorts and glares at VAN HELSING.) RUTH THE MAID: I think it's my turn to churn the butter. (SHE covers her stomach and leaves.) VAN HELSING: This will be his nemesis. ( VAN HELSING delves into his jacket and pulls out a thin, cylindrical form) HARKER:: Huh? What is it? VAN HELSING: A steak. (HE unwraps what appears to be brown paper, and we see it is a rolled-up piece of round-steak.) As I said: the Burnt-Out abhors any type of protein, and he cannot abide meat. We will lure the dread Vampire here, and snare him ! HARKER: And what a party we're gonna have! VAN HELSING: Now, Harker! we must not get carried away in our own merriment. We are here to do two things: entrap the cursèd Burnt-Out, and free Ms Lucy from his putrid fetters. Tonight... you must not let her touch you! HARKER: Aw, gee, Prof! This was gonna be our big party night! Can't I just— VAN HELSING:(sternly) Do you love her? HARKER: Occasionally.(he gets very flustered) Well...we've never gone all the way. I always wanted to... but she was always Daddy's widdle girl all the time. Mohair sweaters, candy-striped pedal pushers... patent leather pumps... VAN HELSING:(gesturing to abovestairs) Won't she do it... even now? HARKER:(craven) Well...of course! But...hmwell. Well, it's not as simple as that. There are health issues! ... and— This is no time to be discussing private matters between my betrothèd and my secret-self! VAN HELSING: Harker. Up to now your...problem... with Ms Lucy has saved you. Now listen to me, or it will be finito for both of you. Don't even let her— (SEWARD bursts into the room, HIS arms filled with colored, pointed party hats) DR SEWARD: I say: there's all sorts of jolly things I found in the basement. Everything's still there. VAN HELSING: Good. We must make things appear to be as authentic as possible. Did you get a cake? DR SEWARD: I'm afraid we'll have to make do with muffins. The baker wants a fortune for a cake. VAN HELSING: Has Ms Lucy risen yet? DR SEWARD: Not yet. But I'm sure in a minute we'll be hearing her dulcet tones... (A CRASH is heard, from up above) LUCY: (off, upstairs, angry): What? It ran out of batteries...again! RUTH THE MAID:(off) Well, you use the sonofabitch like it was goin' out of style! DR SEWARD: Oh... her mother is doe-see-doeing in her grave. (SEWARD puts the hats in VAN HELSING's hands and exits.) VAN HELSING: He's a queer duck, your father-in-law-to-be. (Suddenly, a WOMAN, in a flimsy, diaphanous negligée passes the french doors, outside. HARKER does a d ouble-take HARKER: What the—? VAN HELSING: Have we forgotten any decorations? HARKER: Uh—no: must be that time of the month, I guess. (The WOMAN passes by again.) Yaaa!! VAN HELSING: What? What?? HARKER: A woman! It was a woman! There! And she was beautiful! (THEY move toward the windows) VAN HELSING: Where? Where? (THEY throw open the doors and step back, revealing the WOMAN standing there, with black circles under her ey es. HER face is deadly white. SHE is strikingly beautiful nonetheless.) HARKER: Wowie! Good evening! MINA: Hiya, toots. I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd— HARKER: Siddown! (to VAN HELSING) Wanna hear a smooth line? Take notes! (HARKER suddenly becomes a jock on the make. It is admirable to see him ply his craft. VAN HELSING does indeed take notes.) You're my kinda gal. You new 'round here? MINA: Sort of. (HE offers her a cigarette: HE takes one himself and lights both. HE moves closer, intensely, closing the personal space...) HARKER: I mean, I never seen you in this neck of the woods before. I'm so busy, you know, on the team. MINA: Oh? What team? HARKER :(bursting with testosterone) The Whitbydale Otters! First string punters! MINA: Oh really? I love rugby. I knew someone on that team... George... HARKER: Oh, not George! Gammyleg George! Ha-ha! We're mates. MINA: Well, any friend of Gammy's... Say, you're in great shape. No wonder you always win! HARKER: Well, I was not only personally responsible for winning over the loving cup from the Staffordshire Sheepdogs, but I was written up in The Tooting Bec Physique Quarterly as having "the most promising pecs of the season." Look!(he unbuttons his shirt) I've arried number 99 through this year, and then they'll retire it when I go. MINA: Ninety-nine? That's... You're Johnny Harker? Oh, really! I was there ...when you ran... with three men hanging onto you— HARKER: Oh, the Cotswolds Playoff in '21! Righto! MINA: You looked great at the top of the pile. What legs! (SHE slides over to him on the couch. HARKER suddenly gets uneasy, and gulps as SHE turns the tables on him.) HARKER: Uh—I could say the same...? Say! Would you like a garlic dill— or a piece of pepperoni? This is Professor Van Helsing fr om Hell's Kitchen. MINA:(ignoring him) I have a secret fantasy about you. I never thought I'd actually be in the same room with you, nonetheless sitting next to you! Out on the field, you always seem so... ready. I can tell when a man's ready for action... (SHE attempts to kiss him on the neck. HARKER bolts up like a wounded stag and moves away from her, buttoning up his shirt embarrassedly.) HARKER: How perceptive of you! Heh heh heh! (The WOMAN lunges for HARKER. HE fights HER off. SHE spits and claws at him, fighting to get at his neck w ith her mouth. SHE takes advantage of his shirt being partially open and tears at it. VAN HELSING interposes, and looks at th e woman with horror.) VAN HELSING Who are you? (The WOMAN snarls & gives VAN HELSING the Bronx cheer.) Why... (VAN HELSING tears at her negligée so that we can see there are two huge hickeys on her neck.) The Ipswich Horror! (SEWARD rushes into the room, dropping a box of party favours with a bang, then stands stock still with fright.) DR SEWARD: (gasping) MINA!!! (MINA hisses like an adder and dashes out through the french doors. HARKER follows her, the shred of jockine ss in him propelling him.) HARKER: Wait! Wait! You can wear my Sigma Beta Mu tie-tack! ...aw nuts! (HE leans over the balustrade) Nothing but a white rabbit running across the lawn. Phooey! And she was such a piece, too! DR SEWARD: My God. Mina! And we just buried her a month ago. How could she have gotten out of that mausoleum...? I paid good money for three locks! VAN HELSING: The day of wrath is approaching. Keep an eye peeled for Dracula! (LUCY enters, through the portières. SHE looks more haggard than in the first act, dressed more frumpily. A genoa salami hangs around her neck.) HARKER: Lucy! Are you better? LUCY: I feel like two pounds of shit in a one pound bag. Get this thing offa me. (SHE tears off the salami. VAN HELSING take s it.) VAN HELSING: Do you know who was here...just now? LUCY: Ole Olsen and his Odd Ocarina Octet. VAN HELSING: No. It was... Mina! LUCY:(yawning) Oh. And how is she? VAN HELSING: Deadly. LUCY: Yeah, she never was much of a go-getter. VAN HELSING: She pulled quite a number on your fiancé just now. LUCY: (brightly) Yeah? Well: maybe there's some hope for him. What's this? Party hats? DR SEWARD: Aren't you pleased? LUCY:(disgusted) Party hats! You might as well have gone down the cellar and dragged out the goddam streamers and the— (SHE looks up and sees there are indeed streamers, and the trappings of a child's birthday party.) You're kidding. This is awful. DR SEWARD:(crestfallen) Oh. And we thought you'd like it! Well... we'll see. You'll have a good time. LUCY: This...this is kind of funny, you know? I mean you can't be serious. (THEY are all immovable) You people are so...stupid! Can't you see what's happening? Soon every one of you will be swinging from the chandeliers. (SHE points to SEWARD.) Even you! Ha-ha! Every one of you wacky Walloons will be wallowing in the halls, belching, laughing like Renfield! VAN HELSING: (alert) Renfield? What does he have to do with you? LUCY: That piss-ant? He'll be sucking beer bottles till Kingdom Come. RENFIELD:(running in wildly) Eh-heh...heh! Lucy! You have told the secret! Now you must die! LUCY: Oh, go blow it out your ass. DR SEWARD: Renfield! You little fart! You're as slippery as an eel! Where's Worthibutter? Worthibutter! Worthibutter! Oh, I should have gon e into gynecology: they said there was always an opening... RENFIELD: (enigmatically): Eh heh...heh...heh...hehhhh... (RENFIELD parts the portières, and there is WORTHIBUTTER, tipping a bottle of beer. HE is obviously soused. HE polishes it off, and hands it to RENFIELD to suck.) WORTHIBUTTER: 'Owdy, guv. RENFIELD: We have a little deal. He takes care of the big stuff, and I finish 'em off. VAN HELSING: We've lost him. Viz: to Dracula! RENFIELD:(recoiling) Dracula?? I've never even heard the name. DR SEWARD: Oh, bosh! RENFIELD:(HIS eyes glazing) But last night... I looked out of my doghouse... and there, out on the lawn, I heard a teenie-weenie voice. Ii-ii! Ii-ii! WORTHIBUTTER:(bombed) Ii-iiii! Eeee-i-Eeee-i Oh. RENFIELD: Out on the lawn a mist spread, like a fine blanket of snow... and then he appeared in the middle of the mist... and he seemed to b e saying... "mbla...mbla..." and I said: —"What??" And then he spread his arms, and the mist parted. And there, right out there... were bottles... bottles everywhere... all around him... as far as the eye could see... even to the ends of the earth. And though he didn't speak, his face said to me... "Beer! Beer!" ...and he looked up again and seemed to be saying... "All this will be yours: cases and cases of beer if you will do my bidding!" LUCY That's it, Renfield: don't spill the beans. RENFIELD and WORTHIBUTTER: Eh-heh...heh...heh...hehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(SEWARD holds his head in his hands)
VAN HELSING: Seward, stand back. I think I know what will keep them in check. What do you think of this, button-eyes? (VAN HELSING takes out the steak and unwraps it. As soon as they catch sight of it, the TWO recoil in mortal terror LUCY: Aaaaaa! (in 3 British syllables:) Protein! HARKER: Lucy! Lucy! Lucy! Lucy! Quick, do something! (HE reaches in his outfit and pulls out the thermos.) A little drink...? LUCY:(a nanosecond after: sitting up) Drink? (HE uncorks the thermos and pours a little out in the cup. LUCY faints again with a screech) MILK!! (Both RENFIELD and WORTHIBUTTER get bug-eyed at this display.) RENFIELD and WORTHIBUTTER: MILK!! Yiaaaa! (THEY both rush out through the archway. SEWARD is hot on their trail, after taking some odd medical instruments and a gallon jug from his desk.) DR SEWARD: Maybe if we used Prestone... (HE rushes out after them. VAN HELSING follows.) VAN HELSING: Wait! Wait! I'll show you where to apply the— LUCY:(reviving) Put that horrible thing down. HARKER: Milk? Why? LUCY: Aw, my mother was bitten by a cow! Put it down! HARKER: (disgusted) Aw, your mother was a cow! LUCY: (suddenly becoming demure) Don't say that! My mother was kind to me. She was... (LUCY is lost in thought. VAN HELSING, who has been talking to SEWARD all this time, is now distinctly audible) VAN HELSING: (off) ...foresaw this, thank heavens! All right, Ruth. Bring out the slab of meat. RUTH THE MAID: (off) All right, all right. Come on: it's heavy! —move over. (Offstage, the almost indescribable sound of 125 pounds of round-steak hitting the hallway floor.) HARKER: You're not the same girl I once knew, Lucy. LUCY:(snapping out of her funk) No, bongo-brains, I ain't. The bluebird of happiness has flown the coop. HARKER: Oh, Lucy! Lucy! Lucy! Lucy! You know I love you! LUCY: You and who else. HARKER: You wound me. LUCY: You sicken me. RENFIELD:(off) Mgphhh! Mgmpghh! VAN HELSING:(off) Rub his face in! (Muffled shrieks from RENFIELD.)Now tie him up in it! Use the skewers! LUCY: Like a piece of spaghetti you schlepp yourself to me. HARKER: But you know our love will...straighten things out! LUCY: I want action! And now! None of this reverse-psychology crap. HARKER: Oh, I want to! oh my dearest Lucy! But I can't! You just don't understand! (pitifully) I get...scared. LUCY: It's called stage-fright you wimpy slug! Now put up or shut up. I'm about ready to go to one who can have more fun than play "Darktown Strutter's Ball" on the ukelele! HARKER: (defiantly: lip trembling) ...In the key of G-flat! Without a capo!(changing the subject) I can do it! I can do what you want so badly... (then puerile:) I can do it when I'm alone... I loved it when I'd catch your eye at the seaside, and you'd look at me so lovingly, in my bathing costume. But if I knew you were thinking of touching each other and... Aw, Lucy, you were so much fun before. And now? Now? you're making me too pooped to pop. (LUCY rolls her eyes. HARKER tumbles to the floor, and hugs her knees.) LUCY:(aside) This calls for a little strategy. (all at once SHE is her "old self," as he knew her.) Ooo! Get off! You beast! Those are my knees, not yours! HARKER: Huh? LUCY: Come on now, sit! Sit like a nice boy! HARKER: What did you say? LUCY: Now Johnny... sit farther over there. You know. I've been a bad girl lately. But it's just that it's... well, how shall we say, I'm in the throes of feminine weakness...— there I've said it! But you know, I may have thrown out all your zinc keychains stamped "Juicy Miss Lucy" you brought me from Brighton, but I haven't thrown out...can you guess?...our favorite board!
HARKER:
Yeah? LUCY: Oh, I couldn't.
HARKER: (gaining confidence) Aw, just a little peck on the lips. Mwuh Mwuh. (he puckers up.) LUCY: Oh, I couldn't do that. I'll have to call my father! And he'd bring in the black whip and whomp the shit-- I mean, swat the tar out of you! HARKER: (incensed) Yeah, yeah, toots? And then what? LUCY: And then he'd grind his dirty boot in your face and tie you up in a suede sheet and dress you in your silly old bathing suit with the bottom torn out and make you wait on him at table.
HARKER: Whoof. Yeah, yeah? VAN HELSING (off): Tie it tighter! Now use the bamboo wicket and the naugahide mitts!... LUCY: He might even use the pickle-fork... or the naugahide mitts on you! Then he'd make you--force you--to subscribe to magazines of questionable taste and unsuitable quarterlies! HARKER (unable to control himself): Kiss me, Lucy! Smooch with me! Lick my wrists! LUCY: No! Never! You salacious malevolent yo-yo! Then he'd dress you in nothing but a bullwhip wrapped round and round, and make you pull his automobile around town, parading you in front of the cream of society. And when he'd want his fun with you, he'd just have to snap his fingers and say now... now... now! —— (On the last "now," HARKER lunges for LUCY. SHE prepares herself by leaning forward, her eyes closed, her lips obviously protruding and pursed, waiting for the ultimate bliss. HARKER is about to do the deed when he suddenly stops, star es at the inviting lips and becomes overcome with revulsion. HE steps back and takes a running start, determined to do it at all co sts. Another attempt: another failure. HE taps LUCY on the shoulder and says, pleasantly:) HARKER: Maybe later. LUCY: Pricked again! Or should I say... HARKER: Have pity on me, Lucy! LUCY: Your stomach is always full of half-baked butterflies! When are you going to stop worrying ...and do? HARKER:(chattering) I n-never worry! (SOUNDS from the hall include a pounding noise, which continues like that of a pile-driver interspersed with moans and grunts of all the participants doing—nah, you can't tell what they're doing.) LUCY: No, huh? Well, I'm tellin' you, mister. I'm sick of visiting asparagus patches. Tonight my Master is a-comin' to take me away a nd make whoopie! HARKER: Vile varlot! LUCY: You and my father. Pills and cigarettes— do they ever make you feel good? Textbooks and flow-charts—do they ever make y ou feel anything? HARKER: Unfaithful trumpet! You trolley! You scallop! (HARKER rises and goes to the arch. LUCY follows.) LUCY: Live, asshole, live! (SHE thrusts the Wild Turkey bottle from the desk at him. HE looks at it with disgust. SHE then looks at it in a differen t light, and runs her palm suggestively over the neck of the bottle; SHE speaks with the interest of a museum curator. ) It is one of the longer necks... HARKER: Stop it! Stop it! I can't take it! Sex! Sex! Sex! That's all you want, you fiendish temptress! You're nothing but... but an autom atic spooning machine! LUCY: Oh, all you do is talk about this shit-for-brains idea of yours about love! Why don't you do something? (SHE begins to u nbutton her blouse.) HARKER: No! Don't do that! (HE pleads with another maxim:) After all, you know what they say: "Why would you want the cow, when you can have the milk for free?" LUCY: Yeah, but you wouldn't want to buy a car unless you drove it around the block! (SHE gyrates to the pounding beat outside, which accelerates, her dialogue turning into a rap song:) You like it,(SHE, with her back to the audience, pulls open her blouse and expansively throws both halves to the sides. HARKER just about faints, but, keeping his pecker firm, gathers his strength and bolts through the archway. SHE remains standing like a monument.) HARKER: Doctor! Doctor! (LUCY laughs like a harpy. SHE slowly turns around, and SHE is revealed as wearing a T-shirt with the legend "Tits, Tits, Tits" written in plain block letters on it. SHE is exhausted from her performance. SHE staggers a little, at the archway, holding onto it for support. After a moment, SEWARD and VAN HELSING enter slowly. THEY stare at her.)
DR SEWARD:
My daughter. LUCY: Leave my old lady out of this. HARKER: (in the hall) Did you make her go away yet? VAN HELSING: Come in, come in, Jonathan. You must face these little traumas.
HARKER (entering; shaken):
Make her put those horrible things away!
LUCY:
Do you want to know? Do you
really want to know? DR SEWARD: I taught you better than this! What happened to your manners? LUCY: They're upstairs, hanging in my chiffarobe, next to my footed pajamas. Sorry I haven't answered your question yet, Johnny. Why do I do the things I do? It feels right, for once. It feels good. I admit it. None of you can say the same. You're all a bunch of gasbags... and I'm working hard to bust...your...bubble. (The condom, which has become about the size of the Graf Zeppelin, is released, and it quickly zips across the room with a flubbering of rubber sound. It lands at VAN HELSING's feet, and he examines it with the end of his pencil, as though it were a beached porpoise. HARKER holds HER by her shoulders, and looks into her eyes.) DR SEWARD: Professor, I'm sorry you had to see this. VAN HELSING: Nonsense. I did my undergraduate work at Duquesne University.* Don't worry. We'll beat this yet. [*a local, apt institution may be substituted ]
DR SEWARD:
Yes: we'll get to her. (The DOORBELL rings. VAN HELSING springs to action. SPECIAL immediately out.) VAN HELSING: That's him! Perk up, Seward, or you'll blow the whole deal.(HE stealthily creeps out of the room, looking up curiously in the flies, at where the SPECIAL came from.) LUCY: Yeah: now we'll see. We'll see who's gonna stop who! DR SEWARD:(brightly) Nonsense, Lucy! You'll have a good time. After all, the party is in your honour! LUCY: Say wha'? (DRACULA enters, some 78 rpm records in his hands.) DRACULA: I heard there was a party. I brought over some...records. DR SEWARD: Sit down, Count! Make yourself homey! (SEWARD takes the records from him and gives him a party hat. DRACULA looks at the festoons with incredulity.) DRACULA: This is amazing. You needn't have gone through the trouble. Uh... who died? (VAN HELSING enters, with two tablespoons, each of which has a raw egg perched on it.) VAN HELSING: Hot soup! Gang way! (HE shoves a spoon it DRACULA's hand and begins to walk across the room with his egg.) I'm beating you! Come on! Egg race! Egg race! LUCY:(suddenly brightening) Egg race? Hey—come on, Dracky, move your butt!! (DRACULA awkwardly takes his spoon and chases VAN HELSING.) DRACULA: I thought this was supposed to be a party... not the County Fair! VAN HELSING: Here you go! Relay! (HARKER takes the spoon and egg and starts toward SEWARD.) LUCY: Hurry! We're losing! DRACULA: What kind of shenanigans is this?(HE drops his egg and it splatters on the floor.) Shit! I blew it! VAN HELSING: No matter! We have more games to play and loads of fun to go! Because this— today— is in honour of our own dear sweet l ittle girl... Ms Lucy! On her ...sixth birthday! (VAN HELSING pulls a cord under the banner over the fireplace, and the upper half folds down so that it reads "HAPPY BI RTHDAY LUCY," with a big "6" behind the letters. LUCY smiles. Then frowns.) LUCY: What the hell is this? DR SEWARD: Nonsense! My dear you are only a little tot! Don't swear! Ruth! (The MAID enters with a little card table, set with a cloth and a few plates and forks. SHE sets them down and cleans up the egg.) RUTH THE MAID: For the lova Mike, now they got chickens flyin' through the room! HARKER: Where's our cake? DR SEWARD: I almost forgot!(and HE exits.) VAN HELSING: Lucy dear! Sit! And you, Count. Nice day today, isn't it, in June... 1891, eh? Oh, I do hope Queen Victoria is doing splendidly over at Parliament ...with the "Indjja" question. DRACULA: You said...party? HARKER: A doozie! (SEWARD re-enters, with a plate full of muffins, each one with a huge candle stuck in it, lighted.) VAN HELSING: Okay: Hit the lights! (The MAID turns off the lights. SEWARD sets the muffins out on the table. VAN HELSING starts to SING :) It's Lucy's birth-day! EVERYONE:(little by little) It's Lucy's birth-day! (THEY all applaud. LUCY approaches the table.) LUCY: What the hell is going on? VAN HELSING: Blow 'em out! Blow 'em out! (LUCY rather reluctantly blows out the candles one by one. The MAID turns the lights back on. LUCY has her hands on her hips.) LUCY: Look—this— (VAN HELSING holds his clenched hands out to her) VAN HELSING: Which hand? HARKER:(seeing she is hesitant) Oh, pick either one. VAN HELSING: Fifty-fifty chance. LUCY: The left. VAN HELSING: Er... guess again. LUCY(pissed) The right, then! (VAN HELSING holds out his right hand and proffers a small apple.) What is it? VAN HELSING: A present for you! A lovely, shiny apple! LUCY:(grabbing it) Big shit. (SHE takes a gesunde bite out of the apple and SHE yelps, having encountered a solid object.) Yiaa! What the hell is this?(SHE pulls something out of the apple) VAN HELSING: A brand new penny! What a surprise! DRACULA:(standing: à la Sherlock Holmes) Aha! I get it! I get it! This is one of your ...Hebraic rituals, no? (SEWARD takes a potato out of his pocket and throws it at DRACULA) DR SEWARD: Hot potato! (DRACULA yelps as he catches it, and HE throws it to LUCY, who involuntarily throws it to HARKER.) DRACULA: I think I'd better...split! VAN HELSING: Hell, no! The party's just beginning! (DRACULA makes for the french doors. As HE opens them, the CATS start miayowing again. As the hot potato reaches the MAID, SHE chucks it over the balustrade) RUTH THE MAID: Shut it! VAN HELSING(aside, to SEWARD) I think we have him now: He is in our power! (SEWARD pulls a package out from behind the sofa. It is wrapped in a pretty paper, and has a ribbon.) DR SEWARD: Lucy, do you know what this is? (DRACULA rushes up to SEWARD and holds up in front of his face all five fingers extended on one hand.)
DRACULA:
Do you know what this is? DR SEWARD: Yes, I see. Now Lucy, dear: here you go. Wear them in good health. (LUCY hesitates; SHE looks at DRACULA. DRACULA shrugs HIS shoulders as though they had nothing to lose. LUCY indelicately rips the package open.) LUCY: Roller skates! Roller skates! Oh, daddy, you know I always wanted good roller skates! (SHE hugs her father. VAN HELSING comes up behind her with another package.) VAN HELSING: Here, my sweet. May your days be long and troubles few. (LUCY immediately tealy around the card table. VAN HELSING goes over to the phone on SEWARD's desk and hands it to DRACULA.) Come here, Count. (DRACULA approaches apprehensively and gingerly takes the phone.)
VAN HELSING: Call any number at random. Any number. And read this. It'll be a great joke. Everyone, we're gonna do something really wicked! DR SEWARD:(admonishing tone) Now Professor...my reputation is at stake. And what if he makes a trunk call? VAN HELSING: Hush! Now go on, Count. This'll be a scream. (DRACULA dials a few numbers at random. HE takes a slip of paper out of VAN HELSING's hand and waits.) DRACULA:(unenthusiastically) Hello. Is your refrigerator running? ...Well, you'd better go out and catch it. (EVERYONE except DRACULA breaks up hysterically over this. DRACULA hangs up the phone with little energy, and gives a patronizing smile.) DRACULA: That was ...hysterical. HARKER: Happy birthday, Lucy! Let me give you a big, wet, birthday kiss! LUCY:(suddenly edgy) No. (SHE slides over to her father.) VAN HELSING: Bring on the ices! We have pistachio and tutti-frutti! DRACULA: No! (THEY ALL look at him.) You will not do this to poor Lucy! LUCY: Aw, can't we do this a little more, huh? Tutti frutti? DRACULA: You are preying on her stupid life as a child—when she was like all of you! Lucy! I command you to come...here! VAN HELSING:(interposing) She will do as she likes. LUCY: I— (As though caught in a tractor beam, SHE starts for DRACULA. Then, as though caught by an opposing tractor beam, she is drawn toward her presents. SHE looks at her father. SHE rises, and waffles. DRACULA holds his hand up like a claw, and, as though pulling in a rope, starts to yank LUCY toward him. SEWARD holds his hands out paternally, and SHE sways bet ween them. But DRACULA's power wins out, and SHE moves, finally, to DRACULA.) Sure thing, Drac... (But SHE shrinks from him, and stops. Just as DRACULA starts to reel her in again, the OTHERS take hold of an imaginary rope, and start to tug at her from the opposing side. Suddenly LUCY is caught between the two factions as though THEY were playing an invisible game of tug-o'-war. Finally, the "good" side wins out, and THEY ALL tumble to the floor on top of one another. LUCY runs into SEWARD's arms, sobbing.) LUCY: Oh, Poppa! Poppa! Poppa! Make them all go away! He's a terrible man! You want to know what he did to me? You would kill him! He opened a bottle of beer and forced my mouth on it so that I had to drink it...or choke to death! DRACULA: Stop! I command you! VAN HELSING:(as THEY pick themselves up) No. You command no one now. For this is the end of Dracula. You are trapped. We are all supplied with the balm that will rid us of you. Forever! DRACULA: More... hors d'œuvres, Professor? VAN HELSING:(reaching into his pocket) No! The entrée! (HE pulls out the steak and unwraps it. DRACULA recoils.) DRACULA: You are cheating...Professor. I had no idea I was spoiling your...dinner. (DRACULA backs up, pressed by the advancing VAN HELSING. As DRACULA turns to SEWARD, we see he too has a piece of steak, as does HARKER.) I think I've been...porked! VAN HELSING: This happens to be beef, Count. Pure, unadulterated cow-rump. (THEY push DRACULA into a corner. VAN HELSING is very close.) What do you think of this...Dracky-boy? (HE shoves the meat into DRACULA's face. DRACULA shrieks, but then picks up the meat himself.) DRACULA: Shto? Where did you get this... meat? VAN HELSING: I dunno. Ruth? Where'd they come from? RUTH THE MAID: I defrosted 'em. It's Mrs. Stubtoes' Frozen Steak-yum Treats. DRACULA: Aha! Then this is... how you say in English... Swvoya Legymu! VAN HELSING:(furiously thumbing through his lexicon) Soy-Beans!
DRACULA:(triumphantly) Soy beans!! VAN HELSING: (in despair) Aw, balls! (ALL THE MEN slam their 'steak- yums' slice onto the carpet in disgust.) DRACULA: I could crush you like a tin can. You stupid fools! You've wasted a whole good hour of party time. DR SEWARD: (Lighting a cigarette) This is fiendish! And we've spent so much on those decorations! Not to mention the muffins. DRACULA: (ignoring him) You will all soon be with me. You can't help it. You are the only ones left on this whole island! Mina was a pushover. Lucy is being a little difficult. The Maid was a breeze. DR SEWARD:(Choking) Ruth! With you? DRACULA: For about three months. Good job, honey. Go untie the guard and poor little Ren...field.
DR SEWARD:
I want my money back! DRACULA: What are you talking about? You've all been here already. You invited me in... You all are teetering on the edge, and all you need is a little ...push. Evil? I am not evil. Ms Lucy, explain why you enjoyed this little party. LUCY: I don't know. I guess it was good memories. It was fun, when I was six.
DR SEWARD:
You were a wonderful baby. You
never cried. DRACULA:(gesturing upward with a motion of finality) All right, thanks, Herbie, kill it. (The LIGHTS return to normal. SEWARD is crushed.) LUCY: You're right, Dad. It was sweet being a child. DR SEWARD:(almost in tears) My baby! LUCY: But... then what? I really don't remember what happened between the age of seven... and last week. Oh, we did have some fun after Mama died... when we'd— DR SEWARD: Hush, child. LUCY: No, I mean the fun times we had, at night! When you'd come back from your patients and give me hot toddies, and you'd hug me and kiss me and say that now I was both momma and daughter! And those delicious evenings when I'd help you on the phone...trying to get subscribers for your textbooks... DR SEWARD: Shht. Shut. Leave the books out of it. LUCY: ...and when you'd drag out my little Red Indian dollie and let me play with it until it peed the bed... (SHE goes over to the desk and hugs the douche bag as though it were a doll) DR SEWARD:(edge of his breath) I tell you to be quiet! I did not raise my child to be a little...bitch! VAN HELSING: Go on, Ms Lucy. DR SEWARD: I say: I'll take some tutti-frutti... VAN HELSING:(appalled: to LUCY) Go on! LUCY: Nothing. There's nothing else. He was always the sweetest poppa of all. I ask you: who else would comfort his daughter every night by sleeping with her, in the same bed? DR SEWARD: (as in: "here it starts...") Oh, God... DRACULA: Indeed... HARKER: Oh, my gracious... LUCY: And who else, when he hadn't enough money, would trade me his own, warm underwear! —wearing mine, that were so skimpy! DR SEWARD: Lucy, I command you to be silent! DRACULA: Want a drink, Doctor? LUCY: I played wife for him! And I was a good wife to him. I rubbed his hairy ol' back when we bathed together. I was the one who tightened the whalebone corsets on him. I cleaned off all the little rubber tubes and the strange metal clasps... HARKER: And I've been loaning money...to you? VAN HELSING: Loaning—? ...Your father is a wealthy man, no? LUCY: No. He had to spend all his money— for his library. And you should see some of those books! All in color. I know which are his favorites, too! The one with the lady whose leg bends in an extraordinary way, with the stableboy... DR SEWARD: You —filth! (HE lunges at his daughter. HARKER stops him and pulls him off.) DRACULA: He is a drinker of the basest sort. Sneaks everything. Ruth The Maid tells me he slips her a fin now and then to keep her mouth shut. DR SEWARD: Lies! Lies! ...I want my money back! VAN HELSING: Seward, defend yourself! DR SEWARD: (wildly) No! (HE runs out, pursued by HARKER. However, HE returns in a second, runs to his desk for his cigarettes. As HE stuffs them in his pocket he turns to those assembled:) Oh, I should have gone into proctology! Then I wouldn't mind looking at all your faces! (And HE and runs back out again. SHOUTS in the hall.) DRACULA: There. You see? Our swan has turned into a duck. What's the use, Van Helsing? What is the use? VAN HELSING: You may have conquered the young ones, but we old farts are tough nuts to crack. DRACULA: You want to bet? VAN HELSING:(distractedly) Bet? What makes you think I'd want to bet anything. (a beat) DRACULA: Lucy! See if Ruth The Maid has brought the case in from the car. (LUCY leaves. The TWO are alone.) I have no more control over Lucy than I have over you. You see, Professor, for all your tom-foolery and hocus-pocus, you are frustrated. Give up! (CRIES in the hall—SEWARD among the voices) VAN HELSING: You see what a dissolute life leads to? Anarchy! DRACULA:(breezily) Of course! It also leads to pain, disease, anguish and early death. VAN HELSING: And who wants that? How many people will choose an empty, cheerless life with no fulfillment at all? DRACULA: When all is said and done...some of 'em like it, and some of 'em don't. It's an easy choice, though. You never have to say yes. Y ou simply say... nothing. You people always slip into the warm rooms with nice wallpaper. Even if the service is lousy. VAN HELSING: This is worse than anarchy. This is chaos! DRACULA: Well, that's how it all began, you remember. Makes it a nice circle. (WORTHIBUTTER and RENFIELD dash into the room. WORTHIBUTTER kneels on all fours, and RENFIELD scr ambles to stand on his back, near the archway. HE rips the portières down, and quickly takes the long rod which held the curt ains up. BOTH of them silently and eagerly rush out with the long pole. THEY nearly bowl over THE MAID, who enters, with a wooden case with BEER stencilled across the end of it.) RUTH THE MAID: Oh, my heart belongs to Dracky... Say, watch it, boys! Oh... spare the rod and spoil the Doctor.(putting down the case and opening it with a hammer) Here you go, boss! Look, hon: I'd like to kick back a minute, ha? I had one helluva day and my dogs are killin' me. DRACULA: Be my guest! (THE MAID takes a bottle of beer, opens it with a churchkey, and sits in the love seat before the fire. SHE takes he r shoes off. and relaxes. DRACULA looks at VAN HELSING and shrugs.) To each his own ...agenda.(idyllically): Isn't it lovely? The insouciance of powerless irresponsibility. Letting the world wash over you like waves on the sand. VAN HELSING: And dying. Dying without ever having achieved anything. Who would go for such tripe? Who would ever buy into such callous, hollow, crap?! (HARKER enters explosively, through the archway. HE is dressed in sunglasses, an open Hawaiian shirt and a Speedo ba thing suit. He wears plastic thongs and carries a sweet Polynesian drink with a little paper umbrella stuck in the top.) HARKER: Hey—Hokey smokes! You wouldn't believe what's going on out there! There's the whole town boozin' it up, yellin', cavortin'... We're talking severe rowdyness. Lucy just ran out and tore her blouse off again! VAN HELSING: Harker! Oh... No... No!! (On his last "No!" the CATS begin mewing again, and the SOUNDS of a CROWD burbling outside mix in, increasing until the end of the play.) HARKER: They took Dr Seward and... I think they're goin' to run him out of town on a rail! (LUCY enters, with her blouse open—still with the T-shirt on under it—with a fresh bottle of some terribly expensive liquor.) LUCY: Johnny! Where were you! HARKER: Want a sip? LUCY: Ick. No thanks. Did you see them send Daddy off? VAN HELSING: Lucy, how could you? HARKER: Yeah—they were heading for him with this dumb pole or somethin'...(HE sits on the love seat and sips his Mai-Tai) VAN HELSING Not a long, oiled pole...? LUCY(over at the french doors) There he is! Hey, Pop! Whoo, that's a long way down. (Something like the tops of flaming torches can be seen at the bottom of the terrace, and suddenly the figure of SEWARD is seen, just the top of his head bobbing over the rails. HE looks perfectly awful. However, he seems resigned.) How you doin'? DR SEWARD: This is madness. Can you get me an aspirin? LUCY: I think we're all out. How's it goin' out there? DR SEWARD Oh... not so bad, I guess. I'm rather used to being... stuck up. Owh ho.... If you can't sell the book, burn the book! (And the CROWD takes him away.) LUCY: Bye. DRACULA: A real trouper. Never could understand a word he said. (Amid the SOUNDS of partying outside, there is one long howl of a wolf, plainly audible over everything else. It rises pla intively; but as it descends it becomes a drunken partyer's bellow:) A PARTYER: Ah-rooo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-yow, yow, yow, yow!! DRACULA:(amused) But that I get! Listen to them! The children of the night...life. What music they make. VAN HELSING: This is madness! HARKER: (almost to himself, referring to his parasol-swizzle-stick:) Are you supposed to eat the umbrella? DRACULA:(ignoring HARKER; speaking like a doctor:) Nonsense. This isn't madness at all, Professor! Doctor Seward and his kind not only invited us in and paved the way...he put up de corations! He needed us badly. Now the numbers are too great. Capitulate! HARKER:(a little more emphatic:) Can you eat the umbrella? VAN HELSING:(to DRACULA) Never! (HARKER, eicks up one of the pickled items and sets it on the desk.) Here's one of our earlier efforts. HARKER: Hey, toots. You're lookin' pretty good. LUCY: You ain't looking so bad yourself. (THEY both slump downwards on the loveseat. All we can see are limbs slowly flailing about. The infamous T-shirt gets flung across the back of the chair. Meanwhile, other GUESTS including RENFIELD and WORTHIBUTTER start to invade the room, chatting with the MAID.) RUTH THE MAID: (in midst of conversation) ...Oh, I could tell you stories, hon... DRACULA: Can I offer you a delightful cocktail, Van Hel...sing? Maybe a grass...hopper? VAN HELSING:(picking up the typed leaf at his feet) Poor Seward. My friend. I'll save this in memory of—(HE reads from it) "...the corpuscles will then fall into place, arranged in the arteries according to an alphabetical sub-Boolean algorithm of— see note gamma." This is mine! I wrote this! (picks up the binder) DRACULA:(mixing a drink, and stirring) Mm. It has that certain stodginess about it. (VAN HELSING runs over to the fireplace, and sees his manuscript in flames.)
VAN HELSING(very confused)
Seward! That saint! All the while he was preserving it for me!... My thesis!! It's gone... No, he said he was trying to sell it...
Sell it?
RENFIELD and WORTHIBUTTER: Eh ehh, eh, eh, ehhhhhhhhh... EVERYONE : Eh ehh, eh, eh, ehhhhhhhh... (In utter despair, VAN HELSING clutches the empty binder to his breast and walks back into the room. HE seems abjectly defeated. EVERYONE else goes back to partying.) VAN HELSING: What's it like...being a Burnt-Out? DRACULA: Oh, it is a superficial selection of the best things you like now. Every once in a while we go swimming at Dover Beach... we visit Buckingham Palace, go on Mystery Tours, and sometimes go to Ascot. I love the track. VAN HELSING(mouth watering) The track? You mean you play the ponies? DRACULA: Of course! It's all part of the... game. VAN HELSING: But in your drunken state... you might lose everything! DRACULA: We have good tips. VAN HELSING: Prove it. DRACULA:(producing the newspaper headline) Ranch Mama...in the fifth. VAN HELSING(dropping the binder) I see the light! I see it, baby! This is it! This is where it's at! HARKER: Yeeee-ha! Looky there! LUCY: You did it; I can't believe it! (THEY gather up their discarded clothing and head off through the archway like a shot in whatever manner of dishabille is permissible in the State Penal Code) VAN HELSING: (incredulous) Lucy...! Jonathan! Well... we're all doomed now. Why not go in style? DRACULA: Exactly. Are we agreed? VAN HELSING:(gulping) It's a tough choice...but... is there any structure? DRACULA:(deadly serious) This is as low as humans can get. It's rock bottom. A solid place to be. VAN HELSING: (HE kicks the binder) In the end...is there... fulfillment? DRACULA:(wagging his index finger) Now, now. I can't give you everything. VAN HELSING: But there's pinball. (DRACULA smiles and gives him the 'pinball' gesture we saw in the previous act. VAN HELSING goes up to the case and picks up an aluminum beer can—a very modern one.) How do you open one of these johnsons? DRACULA: You put your finger there. And lightly, but firmly, you pull. LUCY(off) Yes, yes, baby! Do it! You can do it! HARKER:(off) Of course. (More PEOPLE stumble into the room. DRACULA abandons VAN HELSING and mingles with the guests. HE goes to the ar chway and greets GUESTS. Then HE goes to the french doors and stands on the terrace, yelling out to the crowd.) DRACULA: Olle olle olinfree... (VAN HELSING listens: then takes out his lexicon...loses interest, and drops it on the floor, taking a swig of beer. ) Come on in! We're just starting! (VAN HELSING, his beer can open, walks into the crowd of people. HE becomes one of them, completely. The Party NOISE increases. At its zenith—) — Curtain —
VAN HELSING: Just a moment, ladies and gentlemen! We didn't want you to go away feeling that the stories of Dracula and Ms Lucy would give you bad dreams. Indeed, you should be rest assured that you need never fight against loonies such as these. They have already won. (The CURTAIN rises again, and the assembled CAST lines up, simultaneously popping beer cans open, and laughing, rhythmically and in unison, like RENFIELD.
The END.==::==
Back to Act One.
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