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Amateurs and Professionals are warned that this play is copyrighted ©1985, 1999 by John Mucci
and Richard Felnagle. This play may not be performed without its accompanying music.
For licensing performance rights and musical materials, contact the The authors.
RUSSEL's BACK YARDa cycle of musical plays for Community Theatre Russel and the Ugly Little Gnomea play in two acts Act Two[Early the next day, in RUSSEL's imagination, in RUSSEL's back yard. Set pretty much as it was at the end of Act I, except the trash is cleared away. We hear the familiar strains of the triumphal march once again, but it is now sung in parts, and we see a procession of the CROWD being led by DUMBLETUP. HE holds a silly looking ornamental scroll in hand, and makes his way to the porch of the house as a kind of stile.]9. MUSIC IN: ACT TWO OPEN EVERYONE: HAIL, HAIL, THE GREAT EXECUTION! WHAT A LOVELY DAY FOR CUTTING OFF A HEAD. MUSTN'T FAIL TO CATCH THE GREAT EXECUTION: AT TWELVE O'CLOCK TODAY, ZINGARELLE WILL BE DEAD. NO MORE UGLY GNOME TO STEAL OUR BRUSH AND COMB, AND OUR LIPSTICK AND OUR KLEENEX, SHE MUST DIE! HAIL, HAIL, THE GREAT EXECUTION! NONE OF US WILL MISS HER, NONE OF US WILL CRY! DUMBLETUP [recit.]:
THE CROWD: DUMBLETUP: The king has also called for two orders of banishment. The former "Sir" Russel, and Bonny Prince Ralph, for aiding and abetting the criminal. There will be pizza served after the send-off party at... oh, about 1:15. [THE CROWD, expressing excitement, starts to disperse. As THEY do, we notice an odd figure in a black robe and hood hobbling through the crowd. HE is approached by a MEMBER OF THE CROWD.] MEMBER OF THE CROWD: Hey, buddy, can you spare a few Bombabucks for a cup of cocoa? [HE puts his hand out. The man in black looks up at him but does not answer. The MEMBER OF THE CROWD gasps and withdraws his hand.] On second thought, keep it! Use it to buy Band-Aids or something! [HE starts to run off, then changes his mind, returns, fishes in his pocket and throws a quarter at the hooded man's feet. Then HE runs off, l. The person on stage is now alone, and turns to reveal that it is RUSSEL with a bad case of the uglies: Boy! is he ugly.] RUSSEL: I don't get it. One minute you're leading the parade and the next you're sweeping up after it. [HE bends down and pockets the quarter at his feet]. They all started to gang up on me--and now: I look as though my father were the Huchback of Notre Dame and my mom was the Wolfman! Oh, who is this coming now...? [RUSSEL ducks for cover behind the porch. DUMBLETUP enters from the left, and checks that the coast is clear.]
DUMBLETUP: [rather Ed Nortonish] All right, Ralphie boy. Come on out. No one's here. RALPH [entering, with a suitcase]: This is most kind of you, Dumbletup. I would never have thought of this. DUMBLETUP: It just makes sense, Ralph. The caves aren't being used by anyone right now. And no one would ever think to look for you up there. Supposing Bomboza gets another crazy idea, like he wants to lock you up in prison or have you executed too, they'll never find you there up in the caves. And if he changes his mind, and all is forgiven¾ well, then I'll be the only one who can find you. RALPH: Why are you so kind to me¾ I thought you hated me!
DUMBLETUP: I think you got a raw deal, Ralph. Besides. I made a promise that I'd do everything in my power to help you. RALPH: Thank you, Dumbletup. [a beat] I'm sorry I put a toad in your mashed potatoes last week.
DUMBLETUP : Aw, heck. [a beat] That was you? Never mind. It tasted good. Get moving. I have to get back to the palace for the "10: 15 Ha-Ha" his Majesty has come to expect after brunch. [moving left] Don't forget to write. [HE is gone.] RALPH: (aside) Underneath all that ickiness, Dumbletup is all right. Still icky, but in an all-right sort of way. [RUSSEL emerges from his hiding place.] RUSSEL: Pssst! Ralph! RALPH : [throwing his hands up in the air] Don't shoot! I'm on the 10: 30 express train out of the kingdom, and it doesn't take effect till noon. Honest! RUSSEL: Relax, Ralph. It's only me. [RALPH peers closer]. Sir Russel. [RALPH peers even closer] The SECOND! [RALPH recoils]. RALPH : You mean Zingarelle Yucca the Second. RUSSEL: Aw, don't rub it in. RALPH : Yeah... don't stand too close. RUSSEL : Come on, Ralph. We're both in this thing together. We've got to try to help each other out. RALPH : Together! Hmph! You go find your own place to hide! I don't need your help. If I hadn't listened to you in the first place, why... I'd be back in the palace this minute [HE checks his watch] watching Nickelodeon! RUSSEL : It's not my fault! There's something weird about this whole thing. RALPH : Well, when you figure it out, write it up and send it to me. I'll be up there, in the caves. Rooms 43N through T. The Flintstone Suite. RUSSEL: What are you going to do up there? RALPH : Oh, I dunno. Math homework. Raise mushrooms. Finish my Lego Taj Mahal. Learn Chinese... RUSSEL : You mean you're going to give up your rightful place as Prince down here? Without putting up a fight? RALPH: Well, you know: I thought I'd come back once a month, take a shower and check my E-mail... RUSSEL : Oh, come on, Ralph! I think Zingarelle is telling the truth! I don't think she knows what happened to all those dumb doo-dads in the gunny-sack. Somebody in this kingdom is deliberately trying to make a fool... of you. RALPH : Yeah. Me. RUSSEL : Listen! Somebody must have followed her up there, and then moved the stuff around just to make you look bad! RALPH : Look, Sir Russel: some of us were made to be heroes, and some of us were not.
RUSSEL: What? You could be a hero if you wanted to be! Your whole problem is you don't act like one. If we were playing knight in shining armor—I'd never pick you to be the prince. Maybe if you tried to act with more dignity for once, instead of screaming and yelling... then Casey and Pauline would... RALPH : Who are Casey and Pauline? RUSSEL : Huh? Oh, never mind. I must have been talking to myself there for a second. But look, Ralph, what do you say? RALPH : About what? What do you think I should do? RUSSEL : First give me that! [takes the suitcase from him]. When you were up there in the caves, did you look around any? RALPH:No, I just grabbed the sack and made tracks. RUSSEL:OK. But whoever made the switch had to work pretty fast. No one's come through here with a sack as big as the one she was dragging up there. So I bet it's all still up there... and maybe the one who took it left something behind. RALPH:So you think I should go scope it out up there again?... OK. Come on, let's go. RUSSEL: No: you go ahead. I have to stay and see if anyone'll try to sneak back through; and if worse comes to worse, maybe I can stop the execution. RALPH: I think I can handle it. I'm on my way. [HE goes] RUSSEL : [yelling after him] Good luck! [aside] Now that's funny. Who am I to be giving advice on how to behave like a Prince? ¾ All right. Somebody is trying to blame Ralph. But who would do it?? And why? ¾ [HE reacts to noise offstage]. Who's that? ... This could be the dirty rat now. [RUSSEL hides behind a corner of the house. From the left, enter QUEEN AZALEA, skulking along, with her cape pulled around herself. SHE is carrying a small bundle and eating a piece of Swiss cheese.] AZALEA: Who can unravel all the knots of this puzzle? Too many plots to keep track of. Hm. Good cheese. [RUSSEL emerges and the QUEEN guiltily stops in her tracks.] RUSSEL : Queen Azalea! Is there anything I can do for your majesty? AZALEA : [not recognizing him] Uh... no, thank you...strange person. I was just taking a promenade. Want cheese? Eh? RUSSEL:Heading in the direction of the caves? I don't think that's the healthiest thing to be doing now. AZALEA:I was anxious. I wanted something to calm my nerves. I tried cappuccino, a cheese-stick... RUSSEL: What could there be in the direction of the caves that might calm your nerves? AZALEA: I have reason to believe I might have lost something. In that direction. RUSSEL : For instance... what? AZALEA [in a fit]: Commoner! How dare you give me the third degree. Who are you? [RUSSEL pulls off his hood. AZALEA jumps three feet in the air. ] Yaa! It's the boogey man! RUSSEL: Naw. It's Sir Russel. AZALEA: That's worse! I thought you had been banished. You young kids never do what you're told, do you! RUSSEL: And it's just as well. Now I've caught you. AZALEA:Nonsense. Caught me? Caughtmecaughtmecaughtme¾ what? RUSSEL:You were on your way to the caves because you were nervous someone might find the clue you dropped when you moved the beauty aids out of Zingarelle's caves. AZALEA:Oh, I see. No, Sir Russel, you're wrong. But close. The something I have lost near those caves... is my son. Prince Ralph. RUSSEL:Ralph! But how did you know he was up there? AZALEA: I watched through the turret window as he left the palace and I followed him with my birding-binoculars. I've brought him a little something to tide him over. Cold chicken, applesauce, red licorice, Three Musketeers Bar, fresh handkerchief, fresh underpants, you know. RUSSEL [on the edge of being horrified]: All in the same bag? AZALEA All in individual Zip-lok plastic lunch baggies, of course. [RUSSEL is relieved]. RUSSEL:I see. But instead of wasting your time doing that—why not put in a good word for Ralph with the king? AZALEA: Oh, we don't back losers here. Especially when they're our son. RUSSEL: Oh, listen to yourself! Ralph was framed! He didn't do it! Somebody's doing all this to get him banished. He needs our help! AZALEA : No. If Ralph is indeed innocent, he's going to have to prove it on his own. I'm tired of covering up for his mistakes. I mean, every time we play Scrabble he slips me his Q: and Z: . You can only make "Quiz" so many times, and only if you have the "U". I'm tired of it. He's a disgrace. [a beat] But see that he gets these things. [SHE gives RUSSEL the bundle]. I've stayed here too long. I mustn't be seen here. Good bye. [too dramatically] Good bye forever... Sir Russel! [turns. turns back] The Second! [goes] [RUSSEL looks exasperated; then he throws the little bundle to the ground. We hear the sound of a cow mooing. RUSSEL picks up from the bundle one of those silly cow-noise-makers, and it moos once again.] RUSSEL : I've never seen such a family. I think we can eliminate Queen Azalea from the list. [HE looks in the direction of the caves] I wonder if Ralph is having any success up there. Oh, there he goes. Look at him leaping from one rock to the— [a thud, from afar. RUSSEL winces. To the audience] ...he'll get up in a minute. There he goes. Wait a minute! [HE reacts again to noises, off l.] Who's that? [RUSSEL hides behind the tree. Enter BOMBOZA, dressed as a shepherd, carrying a pail.] Bomboza! [From his hiding place, aloud: ] Looking for something, your Majesty? BOMBOZA: Who knew? Who sees? Who-who? RUSSEL: [off] It is I! The spirit of this dark wood. BOMBOZA: It's eleven o'clock before lunch. What are you talking about, dark wood? RUSSEL: Don't try to argue with spirits. You haven't the ghost of a chance. BOMBOZA: Bad jokes before lunch... it must be Dumbletup! RUSSEL: Your majesty was heading in the direction of the caves. BOMBOZA: Yes, O nosy one. I was going to collect a little... moss. For my Japanese garden. RUSSEL: Is that all? BOMBOZA: Yes. Why so many questions? Sounds like you should be working for my police department. RUSSEL: Does his majesty have something heavy on his royal conscience? BOMBOZA: How do you know that? RUSSEL: Perhaps you seek more than moss. BOMBOZA: Liar. Snoop! RUSSEL: Maybe you are going up to the caves—[we hear, offstage, from afar, RALPH slipping and falling again]—where it is treacherous and muddy... for something else. Something you know is up there. BOMBOZA: I'm getting out of here. [RUSSEL steps out, blocking BOMBOZA's exit.] RUSSEL: Say it, your Majesty! Say what it is you're looking for in the caves! BOMBOZA: Oh, no... spirit! Don't make me say it. RUSSEL: Say it! It's... BOMBOZA: It's... too embarrassing! RUSSEL: Say it! What are you going to the caves for? BOMBOZA: [one great wail] MUD! RUSSEL: [a beat] What? BOMBOZA: [calmly] The mud. I was going up there to get some slippy mud for a fast mud-pack for my face. I wanted to look good for the execution. RUSSEL: Slippy Mud. Holy moly. BOMBOZA: You're not a spirit. Hey, wait a minute: you're... RUSSEL: It's me. The Former Sir Russel. BOMBOZA: [quietly: business-like] What are you doing here? I thought I banished you. RUSSEL: Well, technically, they don't boot me out until noon. But I have to help Ralph clear himself. BOMBOZA: That could take a man bigger than you, Russel. RUSSEL: Somebody set Ralph up! And you fell right into the trap. Somebody knew what a loudmouthed windbag you are and figured the first time Ralph messed up you'd have him thrown out on a rail. And cancel his Scholastic Magazine subscription. BOMBOZA: You've got some nerve calling me a loudmouth—what was it? RUSSEL: Wind-- BOMBOZA: Yes, yes: windbag. I gave that kid of mine every opportunity and he's still a resounding royal Dud. RUSSEL: [adamant] He's not! He needs help! BOMBOZA: And so will you if you don't get moving out of here. Bags all packed? [looks at his watch] Oh, and now I haven't got time for that avocado mud pack. [bitterly:] Oh, this has been one of those days... [HE leaves, stage l] RUSSEL: Well, I think that's another suspect eliminated. And it's getting pretty close to noon around here. They'll all be coming here to watch poor Zingarelle get the chop suey. . . hey, who's this? [A noise from the left startles him.] If this isn't the perpetrator, we're out of luck! [RUSSEL hides behind the house as before. Now DUMBLETUP enters, checking behind him to see if he's being followed. RUSSEL addresses the audience: ] Oh, it's Dumbletup! It can't be him: he helped us capture Zingarelle. [stepping out from hiding] Howdy, Jester. DUMBLETUP: Yeoow! Well, if it isn't acne's friend! You look like a living commercial for sunburn! I think I just heard your name: somebody burped! RUSSEL: [wants to defend himself: but he's too tired] Sorry, Dumbletup. I... DUMBLETUP: You were supposed to be banished. Get out of here before somebody drops a house on you or something. RUSSEL: What are you so ticked off about? DUMBLETUP: I'm not mad. I'm just mad! Mad at you! RUSSEL: I'm only trying to help Ralph. DUMBLETUP: You want to help someone? Go help yourself, and go buy some aspirin. RUSSEL: Other people are more important at the moment. DUMBLETUP: Well, don't add me to that Grand List of victims needing help. RUSSEL: What are you going to do? DUMBLETUP: Don't you understand? They'll be here any minute. The Executioner's coming to cut off Zingarelle's head. In the rehearsal, that is. RUSSEL: And you think you can save her, is that it? 10. MUSIC IN: DUET - DUMBLETUP'S UNRIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION
DUMBLETUP: That's right, Sir Russel, but without heroics. No granstand plays, no ego! I plan on using the tools of the jester's trade: Wit, Flattery, and Clever Repartee.
RUSSEL: [thinking about that]
Aw, your rotten jokes will only aggravate it!
DUMBLETUP: CAN'T YOU SEE
RUSSEL: EVERYONE HAS HIS WORK TO DO. DUMBLETUP: YOU THINK YOU CAN SAVE
I CAN TAKE YOUR TALK
DUMBLETUP: Hurry, they're coming now!
[RUSSEL takes his place behind the house, as before. Enter FRANK, the EXECUTIONER, dragging along ZINGARELLE, the chopping block, and his ridiculously large ax.]
FRANK: Dumbletup! Here to watch the rehearsal?
DUMBLETUP: Uh. . . sure, Frank. Some gig. [HE mimes a saxophone being played] Bring your ax?
[FRANK sets ZINGARELLE in the treehouse, and begins to set up the block stage center.]
FRANK: Well... You can watch. I don't mind. Most people don't appreciate all the work that goes into one of these things: you know?
DUMBLETUP: Sure: I really gotta compliment you, Frank. Real show-biz.
You're an artiste.
FRANK: Thanks!
DUMBLETUP: You're a real swinger. With the ax, that is.
FRANK: You better believe it. [HE takes a few swings in the air]
DUMBLETUP: Really disgusting.
FRANK: What??
DUMBLETUP: We've been discussing the way you do such a thorough job.
FRANK: Uh-huh.
DUMBLETUP: Mind if I take a look at your equipment?
FRANK: It's too heavy for you, shrimpo.
DUMBLETUP: [miming using a golf club]
Right. I slice a lot, too. I guess only a big dumb ox like you can handle that.
FRANK: What?!
DUMBLETUP: Strong as an ox. Strong as an ox. That's what I meant.
FRANK: You've got funny ways of saying things, jester.
DUMBLETUP:
Well, I'm just a funny kind of guy. [completing the "golf swing" & following the imaginary ball over FRANK's head]
I'm amazed the things I say don't go right over your head.
FRANK: [looking over his head]
What??
DUMBLETUP
: Uh... the way you swing this ax over people's heads. Just like my cutting remarks. Can I see it?
FRANK: [tossing it to him]
Here!
DUMBLETUP
: Careful, clumsy!
FRANK
: What??
DUMBLETUP
: I said, "careful: I'm a little clumsy!"
FRANK: [less and less enchanted]
Oh.
DUMBLETUP
: Isn't there some special way you use this thing?
FRANK
: Nope.
DUMBLETUP
: It figures, if they gave you the job.
FRANK
: Huh??
: DUMBLETUP
: This is harder than I thought.
FRANK
: What did you say?
DUMBLETUP
: I mean they gave you the job because of your special talents. You may not think
there's a special trick to this, but some of us might not completely understand it.
FRANK: [dully]
There's no special trick. Sssschwapp!! ... Klunk.
DUMBLETUP
: Ssschwap, klunk, huh. There must be more to it than that. Isn't there some special way the victim—
FRANK: [gesturing to the block]
You mean... my client?
DUMBLETUP
: Yes—your client—isn't there some special way they have to stand—
or, crouch? Doesn't your client have to do anything at all?
FRANK: Nope! They already done it! That's why they're here in the first place. Get it? [he laughs]
DUMBLETUP: [laughing too]
Nothing's half as funny as your face.
FRANK: [grim]
What??
DUMBLETUP
: I could never say anything that funny.
FRANK: What about my face??
DUMBLETUP
: I love your face. Look, tell me about your customers. How you do it.
FRANK: There's nothing to it, I'm tellin' ya. It's very simple.
DUMBLETUP: [can't help it]
It would have to be, for you.
FRANK
: What¾
¾
?
DUMBLETUP
¾
for me to understand it. What do they do? Do they sit here? [HE sits on the block]
FRANK: [in his element]
No! They have to kneel here! [HE demonstrates]
: DUMBLETUP
: Then what...?
FRANK
: Then they have to put their head down like... like this. [demonstrates]
DUMBLETUP: [picking up the ax]
Really.
FRANK
: Yep. [suddenly straightening up] Nothing to it.
: DUMBLETUP: [covering]
Uh... shouldn't they be more at an angle, like this? [HE turns FRANK's head away from him]
FRANK
: Well, I've done them like that... [DUMBLETUP is about to whallop him with the butt end of the ax] ...but the really professional angle is this way. [HE whips his head back towards DUMBLETUP].
DUMBLETUP: [turning FRANK's head away again, toward the audience]
But it does work this way, doesn't it? [prepares for a mighty blow]
FRANK: [thoughtful: then:]
Well, it's funny. Sometimes you can turn 'em around so they can see it coming. Like this.
[HE flips face up, and sees DUMBLETUP in action]
DUMBLETUP
: Whoops.
FRANK
: Hey! [leaping up] What is this?
DUMBLETUP
: I was just getting the feel of the thing.
FRANK:
Come here, Jester!
[FRANK runs after DUMBLETUP, ax in hand, and would catch him, but RUSSEL, who has been watching the whole thing, emerges from behind the house, grabs the ax, and faces FRANK, who freezes.]
RUSSEL
: Hold it, Frank. Chill out.
FRANK
: Put that down! You might cut someone. Me!
RUSSEL
: The time has come for you to leave. [HE menaces FRANK] Scat!
[FRANK runs out]
ZINGARELLE
: Dumbletup, what were you trying to do?
DUMBLETUP
: I was trying to get rid of him so I could set you free.
ZINGARELLE
: Dumbletup, you might have been killed!
RUSSEL
: Yeah, I love the way you handled him with the tools of the jester's trade. Insult, deceit, and all-round crabbiness.
DUMBLETUP: [ignoring him: to ZINGARELLE]
Go: while you still have time.
ZINGARELLE
: Thank you, Dumbletup. But I have told you once before that I'm in love with Prince Ralph. I don't want to leave this place. I have no future. I don't want to be rescued.
RUSSEL
: You're in love with Ralph.
DUMBLETUP
: Thanks for your help, Russel. Now that you've had your chance to be the Big Man, why don't you find a dragon to slay, or a magic mirror on the wall to break. With your face.
RUSSEL
: That explains what I couldn't figure out.
ZINGARELLE
: What are you talking about?
RUSSEL
: I knew someone framed Ralph. But I couldn't figure out why.
ZINGARELLE
: What do you mean?
from offstage, we hear RALPH's voice]
RALPH: [off]
Sir Russel! Sir Russel the Second! I found it! [HE enters.]
ZINGARELLE
: Ralph!
RALPH
: Oh. Hi. Look, Sir Russel, I went back to the cave and looked around very carefully, and I found this.
[HE opens his hand up and we see a missing jingle-bell from DUMBLETUP's costume.]
RUSSEL
: What is it?
ZINGARELLE
: A little bell --off of... a jester's costume. Or something. Like yours.
RALPH [same conclusion]
: Dumbletup!
ZINGARELLE
: Oh, no. [SHE turns away]
RALPH
: Why? I don't understand.
RUSSEL
: It's very simple. Dumbletup followed Zingarelle when she stole all the beauty aids out of the palace.
RALPH
: Of course, you're the one who never takes a beauty nap!
RUSSEL
: He made the switch.
RALPH
: I still don't know why.
ZINGARELLE
: Oh no. Please. Don't say it.
RUSSEL
: I have to. Dumbletup is in love with Zingarelle, but Zingarelle is in love with...
ZINGARELLE
: Don't say it. I can't stand for him to laugh at me...
RALPH
: You mean... oh, you don't mean... Oh, that's too much! That's a laugh riot!! (HE falls down laughing]
DUMBLETUP
: Aw, turn off the juice, Ralph. You and the Royal Family made her into what she is by doing just what you're doing now ¾
laughing at her. You picked away at her a criticized her because she was good and honest and...
RUSSEL: [stepping in]
And just exactly where do you get off thinking you're so much better than they are? You're the one who wants everyone to be so honest ¾
but a minute ago you couldn't say a single, civil thing to Frank. You just like to cut people up, like everyone else in this kingdom. If you were being honest, you could say something kind if you wanted to. [pause]
DUMBLETUP: [eventually]
That's not a very pretty thought, is it?
RUSSEL
: You'd better get back to the caves and bring back all the stuff from wherever you hid it. It's almost noon, and that's not a real safe time to be hanging around the block here, until the beauty aids are back in Bomboza's hands.
DUMBLETUP
: [walks over to RALPH] I, uh, I guess I
owe you an apology, Ralph. [RALPH is silent and sullen] I'm on my way.
[DUMBLETUP Leaves. After a moment, RALPH comes back to life.]
RALPH
: Why, that lousy little snake! That crummy little creepy wobble-bellied...
ZINGARELLE
: Stop it, Ralph! Can't you be any different from the rest of them?
RALPH
: Aw, stay away from me. You're too ugly.
ZINGARELLE [shocked]
: I'm sorry, Ralph. I won't bother you for long, but I think you owe Sir Russel something now.
RALPH
: Sir Russel, you have been right all along. What you have said to us has been very noble.
ZINGARELLE:
You've been kind to help Ralph and veryone here, even after they attacked you.
RUSSEL:
Hey! I just felt something funny happen. My skin feels funny.
RALPH:
And from now on, I'm going to try to be more noble. Like you.
RUSSEL:
Something's happening to me...
ZINGARELLE:
Since you've come here, we've had kindness in this land for the first time.
RUSSEL:
My back! Keep talking. The uglies are going away!
RALPH:
You're quite a clever guy to figure all this out.
ZINGARELLE:
That's a nice cape you have on. Did you make it yourself?
[NOISES are heard, that of the CROWD coming to the execution. RALPH reacts.]
RALPH:
Hide! The whole court is coming this way. Let's get out of here!
[THEY duck around the side of the house as THE COURT and FRANK enter.]
BOMBOZA: [to a lackey]
All right, folding chairs over there, and please, put the umbrella over the hors d'oeuvres, so they don't get mushy.
MAN IN THE CROWD:
A canopy over the canapés. Check, boss.
BOMBOZA: [to FRANK]
All right, Now you say that Sir Russel and the Jester worked together to free Zingarelle?
FRANK:
Yes, your majesty.
BOMBOZA:
This is a most serious offense. There aren't laws made yet to cover how dastardly that is.
After all, people are coming to see an execution. If she's not here, what do I tell them? I mean, Frank, they look at you as "our tax dollars at work."
RALPH :[emerging]
Tell them the execution's cancelled.
BOMBOZA:
Ralph! What are you doing here? You've been banished.
RALPH:
Zingarelle was telling the truth. She stole the things out of the palace, but someone else stole them out of her caves. We have discovered who that person is. He is now bringing the beauty-aids back here now.
BOMBOZA:
: And where is Sir Russel?
RUSSEL:
Here I am, your Majesty.
[RUSSEL enters from behind the house, his usual handsome self. THE CROWD gasps in astonishment.]
AZALEA
: What happened to your uglies?
RUSSEL
: I've been cured. I know what cures it. You all owe this lady here an apology.
AZALEA: [puzzled]
Me? ... what lady?
RUSSEL
Here, this... hey! Where did she go? Just a second.
[HE runs off stage, and we hear him arguing with ZINGARELLE, whom he then drags back on stage with him.]
ZINGARELLE: Let me go! Let me go! I don't want anything more to do with these people!
RUSSEL
: Oh, listen please. Just a moment... what harm can it do?
ZINGARELLE
: What harm? It can put another wart on my nose. It can bend my back a little more... it can make my hands so painful to hold anything...[pause. SHE looks at all of their faces] ..oh, all right. Go ahead. I've been a joke for so long, what's the sense in stopping now.
RUSSEL
: Thank you. No harm will come to you, I promise. [addressing THE CROWD] Ladies and gentlemen,
this unfortunate gnome...
MAN IN THE CROWD
: Hey! Here comes Dumbletup! And Ralph's with him!
BOMBOZA: [referring to RALPH]
Does he have the stuff with him?
THE LADIES' AUXILLIARY MEMBERS
: Yes! He does!
BOMBOZA
: That's my boy!
9A. HAIL, THE CONQUERING HERO, again.
CROWD
: HAIL, RALPH, THE CONQUERING HERO!
[RALPH enters with DUMBLETUP, holding a large sack between them. It is bursting with items,
and the two can barely lift it.]
RALPH
: Stop it! Stop it! [THE CROWD fizzles out and is silent] There are no heroes here today.
MEMBER OF THE CROWD
: Heck if there isn't! Look! He's got it! He's got it all!
[Chaos! THE CROWD descends on the bag of beauty aids, and tears it with their bare hands.
Like a mad piñata, it rips open and the cosmetics counter of CVS seems to burst forth around the stage. THE CROWD begins to fight over it all, not sure whether to pounce on property and keep it, or immediately use what they can while they have what they've got. QUEEN AZALEA, in particular plays dirty to get what she wants, and makes no bones about immediately setting her ladies in waiting to wait upon her. However, THEY too, are trying to apply rouge, powder, and the like, which goes all over the place until the stage is one big mess of cotton balls, hairnets, and gel. RUSSEL ascends the porch, and manages to bellow out, at the climax of this cosmetologic brawl...]
RUSSEL
: Listen to me! You foolish Bombozans, listen to me! Take a look at yourselves! [THEY quieten. Some still sneak peeks into mirrors, etc.] There is nothing in this sack that will ever make you look any less ugly than you do right now!
[RUSSEL pulls ZINGARELLE up to the porch with him.]
ZINGARELLE:
Knock it off, Russel. Please. Don't even try.
RUSSEL:
There is nothing odd about her hand. It looks just like yours. What made the rest of her turn what you call ugly? You did. You did, just as surely as you work hard to make yourselves look "pretty". Just now you looked like fire-breathing dragons. You all became monsters. You're not people when you do that! If you're supposed to be royalty, then start acting like royalty! Now I want all of you, one by one to clear away this mess, and say something kind to this woman here.
[THE CROWD reacts with horror.]
ZINGARELLE
: Please don't, Sir Russel. It will never work for me.
RALPH
: You've got to be kidding.
BOMBOZA
: [half in and half out of a ludicrous girdle]
Is this really necessary?
RUSSEL
: You! You're talking about what's necessary! What's necessary to you? A brush! A hairdryer!
A girdle! That's all that's important to you. All you want is a pat on the back.
[BOMBOZA snuffles, sniffily] Well, here's a punch in the nose! Now say something!
Your majesty: you're the leader of your people: you said to me if I ever wanted anything
from you, I'd just have to say so... with this ring.
[RUSSEL takes off the ring he was given in Act One, and hands it ceremoniously to BOMBOZA, who doesn't seem to know what to do with it. HE approaches ZINGARELLE.]
BOMBOZA: [clearing his throat]
Zingarelle...? Your hump looks lovely today.
11. MUSIC IN: ZINGARELLE'S TRANSFORMATION AND DANCE (FINALE)
RUSSEL
: Oh, no.
ZINGARELLE
: I don't have to take this. I'm going.
RUSSEL
: Wait, please. You don't have the right idea yet.
[HE sings]
IT CAN'T TAKE MUCH INTELLIGENCE
DUMBLETUP
: You seem well...
BOMBOZA
: Yes. Very healthy.
AZALEA
: I agree.
RALPH
: I guess.
RUSSEL: [continuing]
BOMBOZA
: Yes. Very green.
AZALEA
: You have nice eyes.
RALPH
: You look very... green.
RUSSEL: [thrusting RALPH aside]
[THEY begin singing an overlapping quartet:]
WORDS ALONE DON'T REALLY CONVEY
I CAN'T BEGIN
[THE CROWD begins to ad-lib compliments to ZINGARELLE, crowding around her, sweeping the debris to the side. Then suddenly, as if in a mystical ecstasy, ZINGARELLE motions for the crowd to be silent.
EVERYONE stands away from her as she begins to dance.]
11a. MUSIC [continuous]: ZINGARELLE'S DANCE
[At first her movements are very slow, but she is standing tall and moving gracefully. The tempo begins to increase as the music swells into a Friska, then a wild Czardas.
The entire crowd becomes caught up in the twirling and sweeping movement of the dance,
and they all dance with her, alive with movement. THEY crowd around ZINGARELLE, obscuring her,
and begin to compliment one another.]
EVERYONE
: I CAN'T BEGIN
[Suddenly ZINGARELLE bursts forth from the crowd and finishes the dance before them. We can see that SHE is no longer afflicted with the signs of everyone's hate, but is as beautiful a person as anyone in Bombozaland.]
12. MUSIC: ZINGARELLE'S TRIUMPH.
RALPH: [on his knees before her]
Can you ever forgive me?
DUMBLETUP: [also on his knees]
Now will you run away with me? My bells are packed.
RUSSEL: [interposing himself]
Hold it! This is my story! I'm supposed to be the hero!
BOMBOZA
: The royal wedding will be tomorrow!
RUSSEL
: But who will marry her? Who? Ralph! Dumb Dumbletup?
ZINGARELLE
: No¾
please! Stop, fellows. I'm not so sure I want to rush into anything.
BOMBOZA: [thrusting RALPH in front of him]
You will have to decide. Soon.
ZINGARELLE
: All right. I think I want... I want to start a home for gnomes.
EVERYONE
: Wha--'?
ZINGARELLE
: Yes, somewhere up in the caves, maybe. Somewhere where we can be appreciated.
DUMBLETUP
: I can help run that!
RALPH: [thinking fast¾
he can't do much...]
...Board of directors?...
ZINGARELLE
: That's more like it. Let's talk about it before we make any hasty decisions.
RUSSEL
: This is a Knight in Shining Armor Tale! Not something out of America's Most Wanted! I get the Princess!
:
[THE CROWD and the COURT are pulling away, into the shadows, now oblivious to RUSSEL.]
DUMBLETUP
: That's beneath you, Russel.
ZINGARELLE
: Not like you, Russel. You taught us so much.
RALPH
: Take your own advice, Russel...
AZALEA: [putting the laundry line back up]
Don't forget to change your sheets every week.
RUSSEL
: I've been cheated! You don't play fair! I never get the princess! This is Russel Kunkle, Knight Errant... Err... Hey! Next time I make up a story, none of you will be in it! ... Home for Gnomes!!
[As RUSSEL has a little fit, he gets all twisted up in his rage, and almost seems like the outcase RUSSEL we saw earlier.]
I did all that for you, and all you do is run off! Look at me! Hoo-hah, I look like a reject pretzel! Help me, I'm stuck!
[The lighting and props have returned to normal; Russel's backyard is his again. We even hear the shrill tones of Mr. Casey
Hollenstein:]
CASEY [off]:
KUNKLE!!
RUSSEL: [calm]
That could do it. [HE straightens up]
CASEY [off]
: Hold still, Kunkle: This will only take a second!
[CASEY enters, fists clenched, followed by PAULINE]
PAULINE
: Don't you dare hurt him, I said!
CASEY: [puzzled]
Why not? [to RUSSEL] What's the matter, Russs? You got a cramp?
RUSSEL
: Sort of.
CASEY
: Pauline says she doesn't like me anymore 'cause I made your mom's laundry get all mussed up. So it's all your fault!
RUSSEL
: Calm down, Casey.
CASEY: [not the usual Kunkle reaction]
Huh?
RUSSEL
: Nobody likes you when you're pulling those silly tantrums of yours and threatening everyone with bodily harm. It's just picking on someone else to make you feel good. In a crummy kind of way.
PAULINE
: There, Casey! Do you hear that?
CASEY
: Kunkle, do you hear this? [gives the Bronx cheer]
RUSSEL: [wiping his eyes]
Yes, Casey. So immature.
CASEY: [a little dazed]
Russel. I'm gonna go home for a while now. I got a date with some Nintendo cartridge. Doom, level 10. I think.
[HE goes off, puzzled. PAULINE approaches RUSSEL.]
PAULINE
: Just 'cause I stuck up for you, don't think this is anything special, Russel. But I didn't want to have your blood on my conscience. Like Lady Guenivere, I want my spirit to be pure. You know?
RUSSEL
: Whatever you did for me, Pauline, thank you. You are a thoughtful person.
PAULINE
: What did you say?
RUSSEL
: I know it sounds sappy, but I mean it. You are a kind person, and I like you for it.
PAULINE
: That's OK. You know, sometimes you do say the nicest things.
RUSSEL: [slyly]
Want to see my squashed bug collection?
PAULINE
: What's that, Russ?
RUSSEL
: Squashed bug collection. I keep them in a big art book. Reading around the dragonflies, and Shwapp! Thunk! You catch 'em and display 'em all in the same book.
PAULINE: [blinking: horified]
Bugs? You want me to look at bugs? Dead bugs? Squashed bugs? On purpose? Yeaugh! I came all the way over here to tell you I was sorry about this morning, and now... I'm not sorry at all. You can be a real ugly little thing, Russel. Ugliest on the whole block: did you know that?
RUSSEL
: [pulling out a brush from his pocket]
I tell you what: I have a hairbrush collection too: Look: "Souvenir of Denver."
PAULINE
: Oh, if I didn't hate Doom on Nintendo so much, I'd go over to Casey's right now. Ugly! Ugly! Flattery, Russel, will get you nowhere!
[SHE storms off, puzzled too; but RUSSEL is already laughing, aside to the audience;]
RUSSEL [to the Audience]:
I know. It comes and goes.
[a beat] I wish I could see how it all turned out, back in Bombozaland... where they wear veils when they're worried about how ugly they are.
[HE laughs. — a beat] Are they still as vain as they used to be?
I hope not. But you never know about people. They make mistakes.
I think that's what makes them people ...!
13. MUSIC IN: EXITS / BOWS
[HE scratches his head, smiles, and bolts into his house.]
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